Guy Jokes / Recent Jokes

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.
He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, more...

There were three guys hitchiking along the roads of a plain, boring field because their car overheated from the long drive. Exhausted, hungry, and thirsty from the long walk, they were desperately willing to stay over anywhere. Fortunately, they saw about a mile ahead of them a cow ranch, filled with hundreds of cows. They decided to stay there for the night. So they looked for the main office to ask the ranch owner if they could stay for the night. However, the ranch owner left for the day and no one was there. Too tired from their journey, they decided rather to sleep with the cows than walk forever. They each slept under a cow.
One guy said, "I'm hungry and thirsty, what will we eat and drink?"
Another guy suggested to drink the milk from the cow since they were lying beneath the milk sac. So they began to suck and drink.
The first guy said, "My cow's milk is so good, I finished it all and now I'm full."
The second guy said, "My cow's more...

Measuring Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the more...

Two guys are on duty at a french foreign legion fort. One says to the other one, “See that camel over there? I’ll bet you I can make him jump 30 feet in the air.
The other guy says “No way”.
The first guy walks around to the back of the camel with two bricks, reaches in between the camel’s legs and crashes the bricks together. The camel jumps 30 feet in the air.
A couple of days later the first guy says to the second guy, “I bet you I can make that camel nod his head yes, then shake his head no. ”
The second guy says, “You got me last time, but there’s no way you can make that dumb animal nod his head yes then shake it no. ”
The first guy takes the same two bricks, walks around to the front of the camel, holds up the bricks and says, “Remember what I did last time? ”. (Camel nods). “Want me to do it again? ”

Saint Peter is doing his thing, minding the Gates of Heaven, when he notices that the Gates are getting a bit shabby and shopworn and in need of repair. He goes outside to the line of people waiting to come "in" and asks "ARE THERE ANY CONTRACTORS HERE?" Three guys step foreward......... A Black Man, an Italian, and a Jew. Peter asks the three to inspect the Gates and then give a price, with a breakdown. First, the Black guy goes over and looks at the Gates. "I think $900. 00 should do it" he says. "That would be $300. for materials, $300. for labor, and $300 for me" "Great ", says PeterNext the Italian guy inspects the Gates. He takes a long time, pouring over every bit of what he surveys, then comes back to St. Peter and tells him that "These are the most wonderful, beautiful Gates!! They were almost certainly constructed in Italy, probably Florence, in the Renaissance! Pure Works of Art!" The price...$3, 000. I'll need more...

The guy leered at the babe at the yacht-club. "Hey, baby, would you help me' raise my mast'?" "No thanks," she said sweetly. "I heard about you from your ex and she included a' small craft' warning."

A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables. He sets' em down on the bar. And then the bartender said "Now dont you start anything!!"