Halfway Jokes

During the French revolution, hundreds of people were guillotined. One
day, three men were led up to die. One was a lawyer, one was a doctor,
and the third was an engineer.
The lawyer was to die first. He was led to the guillotine, the attending priest blessed him, and he knelt with his head on the guillotine. The blade was released, but stopped halfway down its path. The priest, seeing an opportunity, quickly said, "Gentlemen, God has spoken and said this man is to be spared; we cannot kill him." The executioner agreed, and the lawyer was set free.
The doctor was next. He was blessed by the priest, then knelt and placed his head down. The blade was released, and again stopped halfway down. Again the priest intervened: "Gentlemen, God has again spoken; we cannot kill this man." The executioner agreed and the doctor was set free.
At last it was the engineer's turn. He was blessed by the priest, and
knelt, but before he placed his head on the more...

[Not good reading, but good for a group]
An older lady gets undressed and starts to get into the bathtub. She
gets about halfway into the tub and thinks, ''Was I getting into the
tub or getting out?'' She calls out, ''Bernice! Was I getting
into the bathtub or getting out?''
Bernice says, ''Well I don't know. I'll have to come up and look.''
Bernice starts walking up the stairs to the bathroom, gets halfway
up and thinks to herself, ''Was I going up the stairs or down?'' She
calls out ''Sally! Was I going up or down the stairs?''
Sally, down in the living room calls back, ''How should I know?'' and
thinks to herself, ''I'm glad I'm not losing my mind like the other people
in this house.''
So Sally starts...
Do you remember the punchline to this joke?

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?A: She wanted to lay it on the line.

What driving to the store would be like if operating systems ran your car.
MS-DOS
You get in the car and try to remember where you put your keys.
Windows
You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly, because attached to the back of the car is a freight train.
Windows NT
You get in the car and write a letter that says "go to the store." Then you get out of the car and mail the letter to your dashboard.
Macintosh System 7
You get in the car to go to the store. The car drives you to church instead, because the store has mysteriously exploded.
Apple
As you set out for the store, a hurricane comes up. The streets flood and the windshield wipers quit. You wash up in front of a store on a desert island in the South Pacific.
UNIX
You get in the car and type GREP STORE. You screech off at 200 miles per hour and arrive at the barber shop.
Taligent/Pink
You walk to the store with Ricardo Montalban, who tells you how more...

Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go. The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?" The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back. The first guy says, "What's wrong?" He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress." The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over." He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too. The second guy says, "What's wrong?" The first guy says, "Small world!"