Handsome Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man had a ticket for the theater, but when he was seated by the usher, he found that he was too far back.
Turning to the usher, he said, "This is a mystery play and I have to watch a mystery close up. If you can find me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moved him to the third row and the man handed him a quarter.
The usher looked at the quarter, frowned at the man, then leaned over and whispered:
"The wife did it!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Handsome!
Handsome who?
Handsome chips through the keyhole and I'll tell you more!

AT LAST SOMEONE SUMMED IT UP...
The nice men are ugly.
The handsome men are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are gay.
The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
The men who are not so handsome but are nice men have no money.
The men which are not so handsome but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are cowards.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and are heterosexual are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!
The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.
NOW... WHO UNDERSTANDS MEN?

A young girl and her grandmother were in the bank when three robbers ran in and held it up.
"All the ladies, down on the floor!" one handsome robber demanded.
"My grandmother too?" asked the young girl.
"Yes, your grandmother too!" he yelled. "Now, all ladies on the floor, pull up your dresses."
"My grandmother too?" asked the girl.
"Yes, her too!" the robber snapped. "All ladies will now remove their panties."
"Surely you don't mean my grandmother too?" sobbed the girl.
Becoming angry, the handsome robber shouted, "YES, your grandmother too!" Now, all ladies on the floor, spread your legs."
Before the young girl had the chance to ask her usual question, her grandmother snarled, "Quiet girl! You heard what the man said!"

This week, Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama met with Federal Reserve Chief Ben Bernanke. I wasn’t at the meeting, but I’m pretty sure it went down like this…

Obama: Thank you Mr. Bernanke, for letting me speak with you today.

Bernanke: Actually, you’ve come at the right time- there is an urgent matter we need to discuss!

Obama: The housing crisis? Interest rates? Stagflation? What?

Bernanke: No. I don’t even recognize any of those terms. In fact, I’m pretty sure you made the last one up.

Obama: You mean “stagflation”?

Bernanke: Enough with your Zulu gibberish, heathen! Speak in the Queen’s English, Mustafa- you’re not in Kenya anymore!

Obama: What the hell are you talking about?

Bernanke: Silence!! The mighty Fed Chief is speaking. (Blows on loudly on conch shell) Now Mustafa, I have to talk with you, privately and preferably naked, on pressing matters... You see, for years I’ve more...

Once upon a time, in the Christmas Tree Forest there lived the
Christmas fairies. They spent most of their time practising
sitting on top of the Christmas trees. There was just one rule
they had to stick to... it was strictly forbidden for a fairy to
kiss anyone! The trouble was that Floella was a wicked little fairy. One day
Harry the Hare was hopping through the forest when he saw Floella
sitting on top of a toadstool, combing her hair. Floella said,
"Hello, handsome, give us a kiss!"

Harry the Hare was shocked. "Father Christmas doesn't allow that!"
he gasped. "Anyone caught kissing a fairy will be turned straight
away into Goon!"

But Floella tickled his ears - just the way hares love and
whispered, "Don't worry, we won't get caught!"

Harry the Hare trembled with fear and excitement. He looked
carefully over his furry brown shoulder, saw that no one more...

Written by: Sister Helen P. Mrosia
He was in the first third grade class I taught at Saint Mary's
School in Morris, Minn. All 34 of my students were dear to me, but
Mark Eklund was one in a million. Very neat in appearance, but had that
happy-to-be-alive attitude that made even his occasional
mischieviousness delightful.
Mark talked incessantly. I had to remind him again and again that
talking without permission was not acceptable. What impressed me
so much, though, was his sincere response every time I had to correct
him for misbehaving - "Thank you for correcting me, Sister!" I didn't
know what to make of it at first, but before long I became accustomed to
hearing it many times a day. One morning my patience was growing thin
when
Mark talked once too often, and then I made a novice-teacher's mistake.
I
looked at him and said, "If you say one more word, I am going to tape
your
mouth more...