Hanging Jokes / Recent Jokes

A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight." The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one." The bartender pours the drink, but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?" So, the man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, "Wow, this has never happened before." You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening, r and I hadn't had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my more...

Will came home dejected because a boyhood friend was about to be executed for murder, but his mood wasn't improved when his bitchy wife started berating him after dinner for one thing after another. "Thats enough!" he finally announced. "Poor Sam Wright is going to die tonight, and all you can do is yell at me. I'm going upstairs."
Alone, watching TV, the woman had begun to regret her conduct when a newscaster reported that the condemned man had been given a final reprieve. She hurried upstairs, heard water running, burst into the bathroom and yanked open the shower-stall door and shouted, "They're not hanging Wright tonight!"
"Good god, woman!" Shouted back her husband, "Isn't there anything about me that satisfies you?"

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top
this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb,
call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it." "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter more...

Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed. "What's wrong?" The depressed one replied, "I've been married four times and everyone of my husbands has passed away." The other lady asked, "What did they used to do?" The depressed lady replied, "Well, my first husband was a millionaire, the second was a magician, the third was an evangelist, and the fourth was a mortician." And the other said, "Oh, one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

You might be a redneck if...
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You've never paid for a haircut.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.