Happy Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,"Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any, "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember."
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning boss, Happy Birthday," and I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon, when Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we more...

Susie Lee done fell in love,
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all,
She told her Pappy so.
Pappy told her, "Susie Gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' maw don't know,
But Joe is yo' half-brother."
So Susie put aside her Joe,
And planned to marry Will.
But, after telling Pappy this,
He said, "There's trouble still.
You cain't marry Will, my gal,
And please don't tell yo' mother,
But Will and Joe and several mo'
I know is yo' half-brother."
But Mama knew and said "My Child,
Just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe,
... you ain't no kin to Pappy."

I just took a leaflet out of my letterbox informing me that I can have sex at 75 !

I'm so happy because I live at 67 so its not far to walk home afterwards

• Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell men how wonderful they are. • Women have a number of faults. Men have only two - everything they say and everything they do. • A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. • Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. • When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. When men are depressed, they invade another country. • A man is a person who will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman, however, will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want. • Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter. • It's not true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer women who can pretend to be foolish whenever necessary, which is the very core of intelligence. • Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women have a more subtle more...

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.
However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.
A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds.
The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
The moral of the story:
1. Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Everyone who gets you out of the crap is not necessarily your friend.
3. And, if you’re warm and happy in a pile of crap, keep your mouth shut.

An Englishman, an Irish man and a Scotsman were in the pub deciding what they were going to buy for their wives for Christmas.
The Englishman said, "I'm going to buy my wife a necklace and a scarf.
That way, if she doesn't like the necklace, she can wear the scarf on top and she won't be embarrassed, I won't be embarrassed, and we'll have a happy Christmas"
Next is was the Scotsman's turn. "I'm going to buy my wife a bracelet and some long gloves. That way, if she doesn't like the bracelet, she can wear the gloves on top and she won't be embarrassed, I won't be embarrassed, and we'll have a happy Christmas."
Finally they asked the Irishman what he was going to buy. "Well I'm going to buy my wife a bright red hat and a vibrator," said the Irishman.
"If she doesn't like the hat, she can go fuck herself."

The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
The high divorce rates in America indicate that the U.S. is still the Land of the Free, but your marriage demonstrates that we also remain the Home of the Brave!
The man says: With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly good I thee endow. (Book of Common Prayer)
The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
If you are the best man at a wedding there is always my favorite toast:
The screwing you'll get is going to be worth the screwing you'll get.
I didn't have the guts to use it at the wedding but it got a lot of laughs at the bachelor party.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him.
The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. more...