Harm Jokes / Recent Jokes

Aliens from Somewhere-Out-There just landed on Earth. The Captain and First Mate step out and says: "Creatures of the third planet... erm, we have come from Somewhere-Out-There, and we wish to talk to your leader." No one moves or makes a sound. The First Mate says: "Perhaps they are afraid of us."
The Captain nods and says again in a friendlier voice: "Please, we mean no harm, just let us speak to your leader." Nothing happens. "We mean no harm, we have come in peace." Again nothing happens.
Growing impatient the First Mate says: 'If you will not take us to your leader, we will have to take one of you on board our ship for examination!' When no one makes a move, the Captain pulls out a big laser gun and shouts: "OK, THAT'S IT, FIRST MATE, TAKE THE ONE ON THE END! CUT HIM AWAY FROM THE EARTH HE LOVES SO MUCH!"
Some blocks away, two police men sit in their car when they see the light from the laser. "Omigod! Did you see more...

It's not that I wish any harm to the guy, I'm just saying I could happily sit by while someone knocks his head off.

The musician Ted Nugent was being interviewed by a British radio show, and the liberal presenter was giving him a hard time about being a deer hunter.
"What do you think is going through that deer's head when you kill it?" she asks. "Don't you think it is wondering what it ever did to harm you, and why you are being so cruel?"
"No," replied Nugent, "I don't think their thoughts are that complex. A deer only wonders when it will eat next, when it will have sex next, and if it is fast enough to run away from whoever would harm it. In that way, they really aren't much different from the French."