Harold Jokes / Recent Jokes

Tony and Harold, two avid fisherman and well-known drunks, were out in a boat on their favorite lake one day drowning some worms and polishing off some brews.
Suddenly, Tony got what he thought was a nibble.
Reeling it in he found a bottle with a cork in it.
Naturally curious, he uncorked the bottle and a large genie appeared.
The genie said " I will grant you one wish." Tony thought for a second and said " I wish this whole lake was beer."
Poof! His wish came true. The lake was now filled with their favorite brew. Harold looked at Tony in disgust and said " You asshole, now we have to piss in the boat."

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly. The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"

Harold’s new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman.
The employee said, “If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you. ” The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.
Harold says, “This small thing, a watch dog? You’re kidding, right? ”
The employee says, “No, this dog is special; he knows karate. ”
“Karate? I don’t believe it, ” Harold says.
The employee puts the dog down and says, “Karate the sign. ” And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.
The employee then says, “Karate the chair. ” And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.
“I’ll take him, ” he says.
When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, “This little thing, more...

This was a practical joke my cousins came up with for a good laugh.
There just happened to be six of us together with nothing to do. So we got the phone book, picked out a number at random, and the first person dialed.
When the person answered, my cousin asked for a random name - let's say, Harold.
"No Harold here", came the answer.
"Are you sure there's no Harold there?" she insisted.
"Positive."
The stage was set.
About half an hour later, another cousin called the same number and asked for Harold.
Same reply.
Over the course of two hours, three more of us called the same number, asking for the same Harold, while this poor man on the other line had to tell each of us the same thing, and getting more and more frustrated each time. (Of course, since he assumed we were totally unrelated in any way, he wasn't blowing over or anything.)
Finally, I called about an hour later.
"Hi, this is Harold. Did I get any more...

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!
SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
BILLY: No, I'm Billy Anderson.
TEACHER: Alfred, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?
ALFRED: I get up early.
TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes, sir.
TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
STUDENT: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you don't have to keep yours.
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
HAROLD: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
TEACHER: Of course not.
HAROLD: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow". That's what I did.
TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you more...

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair. She loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed in the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her. Some of the male residents even joined in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag, pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. Okay," he said. And away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance for that vehicle?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Seemingly satisfied, Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, more...

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den.
The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"