Haven Jokes / Recent Jokes

"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant."You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter.""Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"

How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer the sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a male chauvinist more...

The jealous husband returned home from a business trip a day early and, discovering a strange coat in the front closet, stormed into the living room with the accusation that there was another man in the apartment.

"Where is he?" the husband demanded, as he stalked from room to room, searching.

"You're mistaken, dear," the wife insisted. "That coat must have been left by one of your friends the last time you threw a poker party. Since you've been gone, I haven't even looked at another man."

The husband searched through the entire apartment and, finding no one, decided his wife must be telling the truth. Apologizing for his unwarranted display of temper, he then went to the bathroom to wash up. He was running water in the basin when he noticed that the shower curtain was pulled closed. Rather peculiar, he thought. lie ripped the curtain open and-sure enough-there was a strange man. But before the astounded husband could more...

Letter from mother to son. Pyare Puttar, Vahe Guru. I am writing this letter slow, because I know you can't read fast. We do not live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I wont be able to send you the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they would not have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I am not sure it works too well. Last week I put 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since then. The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained 3 days, and the second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket. We got another bill from the funeral home. It said if we don't make the last payment on grandma's more...

Signs you've had too much of the 90's!
You try to enter your password on the microwave.
You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted.
You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"
You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your online buddies via a Web page.
The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is totally foreign to you.
You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
And finally...
You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person!

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

Great A Hot & Juicy Story Well, I was loafin' around the salad bar at the burger stand one chili day on Coney Island, when I Frito-Lay'd my eyes on the sweetest little tomato I'd ever seen. Let's just say I could tell she wasn't gonna be ice-cold or taste like some of those cheaper spreads I'd eaten. So I mustard up my courage and I whispered, "Hey, Mama Bird! You got a sweet set of sesame-seed buns, and I'd live to bury my open-face in your McMuffin snack pack. And maybe later I could drive-in my Jumbo Jack in your Box. So, what's your name, anyway?" "Wendy," she replied, and said that her buns were always hot and fresh. Well, it seemed like an invitation to me, so I unzipped my French-fly, pulled down my hash-browns and whipped out my Quarter-Pounder. She took one look at my foot-long Weinerschnitzel and said, "Holy enchirito, what a Whopper! I haven't seen a sausage and a pair of McNuggets like that since I was in the sack with Long John Silver over at the more...