Heres Jokes

Heres a good book, said the sales assistant in the book shop to Mrs Monster. How To Help Your Husband Get Ahead. No, thank you, said Mrs Monster. My husbands got two heads already.. .

the other day i gotta haircut an i go into work the next day and my co workers go, u getta haircut? i sed no fall and im sheding, heres ur sign!
A couple months ago, I was eating at an Italian restaurant with my family, we all started eating and my cousin looks at me n sez wut u got looks good is it good, i sed nop eit taste like shit im just tryin not to notice, heres ur sign!
My family and i were sitting at my house having a good time, when my aunt announced that she was getting married to her boyfriend of 3 years and my mom asks if the guy is a good guy, with a smile my aunt sez nope, he's a wife beating alcholic crack hed and I'm marrying him for his baody. Here's your sign.
i was workin late one nite and the boss comes over tome n sez ey u still here, and i sed nope i left an hour ago im havin a outta body experince, heres ur sign!
i was watchin one of them animal shows on tv the other day and a buddy of mine was with me and were watchin it and theres this huge more...

A toast to be done with friends:
Heres to you, heres to me...
Best friends we shall forever be...
If we should ever disagree....
F*ck you!
And heres to Me.

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard."Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "Its Michael OGradys grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "Thats nothing," says Sean, "heres one named Patrick OToole. It says here that he was 95 when he died." Just then, Shamus yells out, "But heres a fella that died when he was 145 years old!""What was his name?" asks Paddy. Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

So this little boy heres his mom call his dad a bitch and his dad called his mom a bastard. so later that day he asks his mom " hey mom what is a bitch and a bastard? well a bitch is a girl and a bastard is a guy. So after learning that he goes upstairs and hears his dad shot SHIT and he asks his dad " what does shit mean? its another word for shaving cream. So he goes outside and heres this little boy say i wanna stick my penis up your vagina. after that he goes inside and asks his parents what a penis and a vagina is. His mom replies well a Penis is a hat and Vagina is a coat. Later that night his mom shouts FUCK and he asks what does that mean? she says thats another word for cutting the chicken. The doorbell rings and he says hello bitchs and bastards can i take your penis and vagina? My dad is upstairs shitting himself and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the chicken.