Hiding Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two men died and struck up a conversation while they were waiting at the Pearly Gates.
"How did you die?" asked the first.
"I froze to death," replied the second.
"Oh, that's horrible. How did it feel to freeze to death," the first man asked.
"At first, it was very uncomfortable," explained the second man. "You get the shakes and then your fingers and toes become painful. Eventually though, it's a very calm way to go. You become numb and kind of drift off, just as if you're sleeping. What about you, how did you die?"
"I had a massive heart attack," answered the first man. "I knew my wife was having an affair so, one day, I showed up at home unexpectedly. I quickly ran up to the bedroom but found her there alone, reading a book. I then ran down to the basement, but didn't find anyone hiding there either. I ran up to the second floor and again found no one hiding. Then I ran as fast as I could up to the more...

Written by a Viet Nam Vet
GOD BLESS AMERICA!

"In Memory of The Twin Towers"

Warning song to Osama bin Laden
(the tune of Rawhide)

The devil came from nowhere
He attacked us from the sky.

He bloodied up our nation
didn't give a reason why.

Now he's placed a spear in our eye
said its done it Allahs name

So God's coming lookin for him
And he's got himself to blame.

No more runnin, no more hiding, there's no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isn't movin slow.

You defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.

Just go hidin in your hills
You'll be buried in your caves.

You'll get what you've got comin now
For being Satans slaves.

You've woke the sleeping giant
From his legendary sleep

Now with open roar more...

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

1. Introduction

The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.

2. Food

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...

This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider." Well, Father," began the old man, "At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing," interjected the priest, "But it's certainly nothing you need to confess!" "It's gets worse Father," continued the elderly fellow, "I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me with sexual favors." The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his more...

Two lions escaped from a zoo near Washington, D.C., and took off in separate directions. Weeks later they ran into each other in the middle of the night.

"I'm having a terrible time getting food," the first lion said. "How have you been getting along?"

"Just fine," the second lion said. "I found a good hiding place in the Pentagon. I eat one general a week. It'll be years before they notice that anyone is missing."

“The New York Times says Ralph Nader is thinking of running for president again. We couldn’t be more excited. … Nader says he rejects the term spoiler. It’s a lot better than loser. ” –Jay Leno
“They’re getting ready to unveil President Bush’s presidential library. The committee in charge of President Bush’s presidential library said they want the building to reflect the spirit of the Bush presidency. So they said, ‘In other words, we’re just gonna build some stuff and see what happens. ’” –Conan O’Brien
“You remember Dick Cheney, he’s the vice president of the United States. He shot an old man in the face and didn’t tell anybody. Eventually, the news got out. Turned out the old man was fine. It was a hilarious story, and the old man ended up doing the right thing [on screen: atty Harry Whittington apologizing to Cheney’s family for the amount of media coverage]. At the time we all thought, ‘My God, how do you shoot an old man in the more...

One blond says to another, "how did you die"? "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping." "How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde. "I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died. The second blonde shakes her head. more...