Hilarious Jokes / Recent Jokes

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters –

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks

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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you`ve forgotten?

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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can`t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

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Q: What was the first thing your more...

Do you know the similarity between a rainbow and an Indian policeman?
Well, both appear after the storm has abated.

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist`s son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it`s some flowers!" "That`s right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy storeowner`s daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it`s a box of candy!" "That`s right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor storeowner`s son, little Johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," little Johnny answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," he answered. Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
Little Johnny replied, "A puppy!"

One Indian came to Madras and wanted to do shopping in Burma bazaar. His friend told the Indian that the prices will be costly and hence asked him to bargain for half the price.
Indian went and asked the price of stereo for which the vendor told Rs. 2000. Indian asked for Rs. 1000. The vendor told he can give for Rs. 1800 for which Indian told no, only Rs. 900. Vendor told, "Ok, I will give it for Rs. 1500." Indian bargained for Rs. 750. It went on like this when finally the vendor out of irritation said he will give the stereo free.
Indian bargained, "I want two."

Avtar & Kartar used to stay in same building. Avtar on the Ground floor & Kartar on the 25thfloor. One day when the lift was not working, Kartar invited Avtar for a Dinner. Avtar trudged up to 25thfloor to find Kartar`s flat closed from outside and had a note which read: ` How did you enjoy your dinner? `
Not to be outdone, Avtar wrote under it, ` Sorry, I could not make it. `

10 Best Answering Machine Messages



10. My wife and I can `t come to the phone right now, but if you `ll leave
your name and number, we `ll get back to you as soon as we `re finished.



9
.. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don `t need their picture taken. If you `re still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.



8
.. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your
number, and your reason for calling.... and I `ll think about returning your call.

7
.. Hi! John `s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I `ll stick your message to myself with one of these more...

Two nuns, one known for her skill in math (M) and the other known for her skill in logic (L), were walking one dark night far from the convent when they noticed a man following them. M: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
L: It`s logical. He wants to rape us.
M: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
L: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
M: It`s not working.
L: Of course it`s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.
M: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
L: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I`ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow the logical sister. The mathematical sister arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to her fellow nun. Then the logical more...