Hitman Jokes / Recent Jokes

Famous last words of a mafia hitman: "Who put the violin in the violin case?"

Their was this man that was an accountant for the mob. He happened to be deaf and mute. While working for the mob he collected over 500,000 dollars by stealing from the books. The mob boss finds out about this and sends two hitmen to his house. Since the accountant was deaf and mute his brother translated what his brother said. Hitman 1: where is the money? Accountant signs he does not know Brother: he said he does not know Hitman 2: tell us where the money is or we will kill your wife and kids, burn down your house, and castrate you! Accountant signs fast and furiously that the money is in a safe that is hidden in the floor board of his closet and gives the combination. Hitman 1: what did he say? Brother: you don't have the balls!

Golfing Hitman

There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. One Saturday they are getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asks if he can join them. The friends look at each other and then look at the guy and say,' 'Sure.''

So they tee off. About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him. The stranger tells them he's a hitman. The friends all laugh.

The guy says,' 'No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like.''

So one of the friends dicides to check it out. He opened the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached. He gets all excited and says,' 'WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?'' The hit man replies,' 'Sure.''

So the guy looks for a second and says,' 'YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. more...

a man and his best friend have a 12:00 pm tee time the man waits and his best friend doesnt show up he figures he mght have got held up at home and goes on without him he joins up with a guy on the first tee and he notices that this man has a very LARGE golf bag he kind of ignores it at first and continues playing golf... then he finally ask his new golfing buddy "why is your bag so big?" the other guy said "well sir to be honest... uhh maybe we should go behind that bush over there" so they go behind the bush and the man with the large bag looks around and says "alright my bag is so big because im a sniper" the man looks puzzled "like a hit man?" the hitman says "yea like a hitman would u like to see the gun i just got a new scope u should look through it" so the guy says ok and picks up the huge gun and looks through the scope and says" wow! i can see for miles....hey i can see my house and there is my wife...shes naked! and more...

Jack and his friends were playing golf one Saturday. As they are getting ready to tee off, a guy walks up and asks if he can join them. The friends look at each other, look at the guy and say, ‘Sure. ’ About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him. The stranger tells them he’s a hitman. They all laugh. The guy says, ‘No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like. ’ So Jack decides to check it out. He opens the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached. Jack gets all excited and says, ‘WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look? ’ The hit man replies, ‘Sure. ’ So Jack looks and says, ‘YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There’s my wife.
Wait, there’s my next door neighbor! And he’s naked too! ’ This really upsets Jack so he asks how much it would more...