Holodeck Jokes

Life Will Not Be Like Star Trek-----------------------------------------There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to fool yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity, selfishness, and horniness of the average human being. Allow me to describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision. Medical Technology------------------------On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly close any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands of your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and sealyour ass shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm happy that it's not easy to close other people's orifices. Transporter--------------It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and then reassemble them. The only problem is that more...

Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.
Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".
Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
Rust problem in engineering causes support failure- one corner
of warp coil now held up by phone book.
Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".
Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.
Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image
from flickering.
Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling
through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.
Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.
Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either
side become too steep for crew to climb.
Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2
people on board.
Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop and the ship is
overcome by ten thousand care bears.
Ship cannot enter warp more...

Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.
Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88."
Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now held up by phone book.
Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.
Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering.
Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.
Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.
Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side become too steep for crew to climb.
Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears.
Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese.
Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.
Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either more...

Although the show is retired, we'd still like to kill that little alien in the mess hall... Here are some ways the writers could have done it.

1. After slugging down six Shirley Temple's in the Messhall, Neelix stumbles to the holodeck, which he commands to "take me to hell." His broken body is later found on the empty holodeck in a pool of vomit.

2. Neelix gets gang-banged by a group of female Kazons.

3. Chakotay gets carried away executing an order from Janeway to "knock the annoying snot around a bit."

4. Tuvok catches him jacking off. Uncomprehending, he requires a detailed explanation from Neelix, who dies of embarrassment.

5. Extensive lab analysis of a green slime found on one of the control panels uncovers the fact that our favorite cook has, once again, been picking his nose. He is summarily fired and commits suicide.

6. Neelix gets gang-banged by a group of male Kazons.

7. On an more...

The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has
encountered several times before.
The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists, who
are all perfectly all right.
The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called Paradise,
where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed
to be exactly as it seems.
The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later
turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly hat.
The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for
which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.
An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to
the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to
bring the right leads.
A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a
faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent more...