Homework Jokes / Recent Jokes

You know you have been on the computer too long when... When you are counting objects, you go "0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, A, B, C, D...". When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits. When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause. When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page. When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"When you look for your homework using: "grep homework /dev/backpack"When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number. When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want. When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one. When you go to balance your checkbook and more...

Approximately ten excuses for not doing homework:

I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.
I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't actually reach it.
I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin.
I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged.
I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.
I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.
I couldn't figure out whether I am the square of negative one or I am the square root of negative one.
I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee, and then I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.
I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn't find it.

A math student is pestered by a classmate who wants to copy his homework assignment. The student hesitates, not only because he thinks it's wrong, but also because he doesn't want to be sanctioned for aiding and abetting.
His classmate calms him down: "Nobody will be able to trace my homework to you: I'll be changing the names of all the constants and variables: a to b, x to y, and so on."
Not quite convinced, but eager to be left alone, the student hands his completed assignment to the classmate for copying.
After the deadline, the student asks: "Did you really change the names of all the variables?"
"Sure!" the classmate replies. "When you called a function f, I called it g; when you called a variable x, I renamed it to y; and when you were writing about the log of x+1, I called it the timber of x+1...".

DOES THIS HOMEWORK LOOK FAMILIAR?

We professors have a memory for names that is best served in one of the following ways:

Your name is an eponym (you`re named after a famous person or place),
An epiphenomenon process occurred (you told me your name and I remembered it), or
An epistolary action occurred (you wrote your name down on the homework).
Of the three choices, the last is the best because not everyone can be named Abe Lincoln and we have trouble remembering where we put our wallets.

Professor Johnson, 4/19/00, written comments posted on his office door with the suspect homework

Grandma, who was living with her daughter's family, greeted her 11-year old grandson at the door when he came home from school.
"Well, sonny, what did you learn today?" Grandma asked.
"Sex education," he replied. "All about sex organs, intercourse and stuff."
The old woman was so shocked, she immediately reported the conversation to her daughter.
"Calm down, Mom," her daughter replied. "These days it's all part of the cirriculum."
A few hours later, the grandmother was reading when her daughter called out that dinner was ready. Grandma walked past her grandson's room and noticed that he was vigorously masterbating.
"Sonny," Grandma said, "when you're finished with your homework, come downstairs to dinner."

Teacher: Why is your homework in your father’s handwriting? Pupil: I used his pen!

Get him laid. That's what he really needs. He will stop paying attention to you and pay attention to someone else.
Use the direct approach. When he comes in, say, "I'm doing homework now. Can I talk to you later?." If that's too polite, say "Go away now. I'm doing homework."
Use the "bad cat" approach. Purchase a high-powered squirt gun. Whenever he does something like that, say "I'm doing my homework. Anyone interrupting me will be wet." Then, blast away. He's been warned. I've discovered that this is an excellent way to keep my cat from scratching the furniture. I yelled at him and moved him until I realized that he was doing it for attention. After I squirted him three different times, he stopped permanently. Use a squirt bottle if the gun is too silly.
Buy a monster stereo and some tapes of the Sex Pistols, the Misfits, the BeeGees, and Barry Manilow. Turn it on and play it really loud when you don't want to be more...