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OFFICE MEMO
Date: 1/18/96

SPINDLER CALLS IN AIR STRIKE, DESTROYS APPLE TO SAVE IT

Stock Price Increases 50%

"We`ll do it better," Says Microsoft

CUPERTINO, Calif. JANUARY 18, 1996
The massive pile of smoking rubble near Interstate 280 here in Cupertino was not the result of an earthquake or natural gas explosion, as officials first believed.

It now appears that the terrific explosion and fire at Apple Computer headquarters was the result of the first corporate-initiated airstrike on U. S. or California soil in U. S. history.

Sources within Apple have told newspapers that, in an effort to save Apple from an internal coup that would result in the breakup and sale of the company, embattled Apple CEO Michael Spindler called in elements of the California Air National Guard, based at Moffet Federal Air Station in Mountain View, Calif. to bomb and strafe his own headquarters.

Spindler allegedly more...

SHIT HAPPENS in various world religions
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Taoism: Shit happens.
If you can shit, it isn't shit.
Shit happens, so flow with it.
Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens,
she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one with she-it)
Please this flower and buy our shit.
Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit happens".
Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen
PROPERLY."
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone.
Shit will happen again to you next time.
Only he who totally gives up the desire for shit will
have salvation.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
7th Day Adventism:
Shit happens on Saturdays.
Hinduism: I've seen this shit happening before.
This shit is not a religion, it is the way of more...

"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your Wife." "How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?" "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After
having met you, I've changed my mind." "I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in
Hell til I met you." "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to
ruin it for me." If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister." As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy..." Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to
take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again." "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you." Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike! When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that
we've more...

Teacher: I hope I didnt see you looking at Freds test paper. Pupil: I hope you didnt see me either!

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. .. it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight more...

Standardized Guide to the Bases Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about' the bases' with your friends?" Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got tosecond base!"Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was secondbase? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? Noone was really sure. Also, thebases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's aperson to do? Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball ananlogies to describesexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages intodays day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringingbaseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romanceand with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to theBases. First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days. --First Base- This was almost always kissing, although one guyI knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it more...

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…”
Pilot - “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land … it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern. ”
And, after landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride. ”
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA! ”
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight more...