Hopes Jokes

A senile old man started walking through town everyday in hopes of seeing interesting new things...
On the first day, he saw a restaurant offering elephant ear sandwiches. He said to himself, "That's interesting. I'll go back home now."
The next day, he walked along and suddenly found a dog that swallowed a cow in one gulp. "That's enough for today", he said.
The very next day, he heard strangely melodic, low pitched music. He slowly walked around the corner and found a tenor sax player practicing. He said to himself, "okay Harold, you need to go home now. Too much excitement has you hallucinating!"

Returning from a lengthy trip away, Kurt had very romantic hopes for his first night home. Sharing his hopes with his wife, she replied, "I'm sorry dear. I have cleaning and laundry to do. Another time, ok."
Kurt tried again the next night, only to have his wife tell him, "I just can't dear. I have this horrible headache, but give me a rain check."
By the third night, Kurt was growing very impatient. Approaching his wife once more, he said urgently, "How about it, honey?"
Snapping back at him, she said, "Look, this is the third night in the row. What the hell are you, a sex maniac?"

*Kissing/Light Petting*
What he hopes you're thinking: "Oh, I can't resist: I'm powerless before your seductive ways!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Garlic breath-- ewwww!"

*Undressing*
What he hopes you're thinking: "My G-d, look at the size of that!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "My G-d, look at the size of that!"

*Foreplay/Oral Sex*
What he hopes you're thinking: "I could worship at the alter of your impressive manhood for hours."
What he's afraid you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before he cums, I'm going to kill him."

*Penetration*
What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in half!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"

*Your Orgasm*
What he hopes you're thinking: "Yes, (his name here), yes!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "I deserve an more...

Gator Bait!
Twas the 22nd of November, up in Gainesville
The whole Swamp was a roaring, no one could sit still;
The Seminoles came in all pompous and sassy
Planning to take a title back to Ol' Tallacrappy;
Their taunting banners were hung with great care,
Certain St. Bowden would answer their prayers;
Chanting and chopping, wearing yellows and reds
While visions of a national title danced in their heads;
With Steve in his visor, and Bobby in his cap
Gators and Noles hunkered down for a furious scrap;
When up from the Gators there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my seat to see what was the matter!;
My eyes glued to the field, I shed a brief tear
and a Nole sitting near me threw up his beer;
For what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a BIG PLAY Gator offense...and seminole FEAR!;
With our coach in his visor and on the attack
I knew in a moment our offense was back!;
More rapid than eagles, QB's swapped more...

Sen. John McCain said Tuesday he hopes to patch things up with conservative Christian leader James Dobson, who recently said he wouldn't support the Republican's presidential bid under any circumstances.
I'm obviously disappointed and I'd like to continue and have a dialogue with Dr. Dobson and other members of the community," McCain said Tuesday during a stop in Columbia. "I'm happy to say that I've established a dialogue with a number of other leaders, including the Rev. Jerry Falwell, "Purpose Driven Life" author Rick Warren and Dr. Richard Land"
McCain has reached out to conservatives he once crossed. Last May, he spoke at Falwell's Liberty University in Virginia. In September he addressed the Southern Baptist Convention. And in December, he snorted crystal meth with Ted Haggard while fisting rent boys.