Horses Jokes / Recent Jokes

Why did God give blondes 2% more brains than horses?
So they don’t crap on the street during parades!

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Appointing an intervention team to reanimate the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase the riders load share.
9. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
10. Changing the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead."
11. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead more...

A cowboy gets captured by bandits who tie him up in the middle of the desert. They tell him that they will come back once a day for three days to grant him three last requests and then they’re gonna kill him. They ask him what his first request is. He says, “I wanna talk to my horse. ” He whispers in the horses ear, it runs off and comes back with a beautiful blonde on it’s back who gets off the horse and makes love to the cowboy. The bandits are all amazed.
The second day the bandits ask him for his next request, “I WANNA talk to my HORSE! ” he says. He whispers in the horses ear, it rides off and returns with two red heads on it’s back. They both get off and make love to the cowboy. The bandits are loving this horse. The last day comes and they ask for his final request. “I WANNA TALK TO MY HORSE!!! ” They bring the horse over and he whispers, “Now damnit, I said bring me back a POSSE! ”

Three race horses standing around started arguing.
The first said, "I've won 15 out of 20 of my races!"
The second said, "Yeah, well I've won 29 out of 30 of my races!"
The third said, "Yeah, well I've won 39 out of 40 of my races!"
Then, a greyhound came up and said, "Oh yeah! Well, I've won 99 out of 100 of my races!"
The horses glared in amazement. "Wow! A talking greyhound!"

Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why more...

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?" "Yeah," says the other cowboy." Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction." Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon." "Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

There was a farmer who had a lot of live stock. He had cows, horses, chickens, pigs, and bulls. One day a terrible twister came and the man and his family were only saved by throwing themselves in the nearest ditch. After it was all over, he looked up to see that the house was gone. Saddened by the loss, he went out to see if any of the animals had survived. The horses, chickens, pigs, and cows were laid out flat but the bulls were standing! The farmer was amazed and asked them, "How is it that all the other animals are down and you are still standing?" The bulls replied, "We bulls wobble but we don't fall down!"