Host Jokes / Recent Jokes

A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several well-to-do guests attend. While the party ensues, two gardeners are out on the back lawn working. One of the guests was watching the gardeners do their thing, and while one gardener was busy weeding the other jumped up and did graceful swirling dance movements. Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, "That man is such a talented dancer, that I'd pay him a hundred pounds to demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics class!" When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, "Hey Fred! Do you think for a hundred pounds you could step on that rake again?"

It was general question time on the "Top of the World" quiz show and the host first asked the Hungarian contestant: "Complete this line of a song and spell your answer - Old MacDonald had a. ..." The Hungarian answered quickly: "Station - S T A T I O N." Next it was the Polish contestant who was asked the same question: "Old MacDonald had a. ..." "Ranch," was the reply, "R A N C H." Finally the Irishman was asked the same question: "Old MacDonald had a...." "Farm," the Irishman proudly stated. "Correct," said the host. "Now spell the word farm." The Irishman thought for a moment. "E I E I O."

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc.
His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."
The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."

1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.

4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.

5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.

6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.

7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.

8. All our best heroes are losers.

9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too more...

- Always make every effort to keep hands, hair, clothing and jewelry clear of the garbage disposal unit while vomiting in your host's kitchen sink.

- Embarrassing potentially serious injury can be avoided by asking you host or hostess for assistance in locating the bathroom light switch. What feels like a toilet in a darken room may instead be a life-threatening washing machine when used improperly.

- The safety-conscious party animal knows that it's important NEVER to stand on the "hinge" side of a bathroom door.

- When the time comes to dance on the bar while performing a striptease, it is important to avoid injury by first removing any bottles, spills or beer nuts, which could cause a sudden loss of balance.

- When it becomes apparent that you about to pass out, serious trampling injuries can be avoided by quietly directing yourself to a low-traffic area prior to losing consciousness.

- Depending on you level of more...

Party Host: Hello? Phone Caller: Im trying to reach a Ms. Nidiot. Her first name is Ima. Could you please ask if anybody at your party knows her? Party Host: Id be glad to. Please hold on. (shouts) Excuse me, but does anybody know Ima Nidiot?

All eyes turned to stare as a gorgeous redhead walked into the costume party stark naked. The alarmed host rushed to intercept her. "Where's your costume?" he hissed through clenched teeth.
"This is it," she calmly explained. "I came as Adam."
"Adam?" her host exploded. "You don't even have a Dick!"
"I just got here, Jeremy," she replied. "Give me a few minutes."