"Martha Stewart's Safety Tips For Party Animals" joke

- Always make every effort to keep hands, hair, clothing and jewelry clear of the garbage disposal unit while vomiting in your host's kitchen sink.

- Embarrassing potentially serious injury can be avoided by asking you host or hostess for assistance in locating the bathroom light switch. What feels like a toilet in a darken room may instead be a life-threatening washing machine when used improperly.

- The safety-conscious party animal knows that it's important NEVER to stand on the "hinge" side of a bathroom door.

- When the time comes to dance on the bar while performing a striptease, it is important to avoid injury by first removing any bottles, spills or beer nuts, which could cause a sudden loss of balance.

- When it becomes apparent that you about to pass out, serious trampling injuries can be avoided by quietly directing yourself to a low-traffic area prior to losing consciousness.

- Depending on you level of intoxication, a common cushion or pillow may bear a striking resemblance to a full bag of potato chips. Select your snacks with care at all times to avoid the irreversible effects of Dacron Polyester poisoning.

- When operating motor vehicles indoors, insure that adequate ventilation is provided to avoid exposing yourself and others to dangerous levels of carbon monoxide from engine exhaust.

- Always walk, never run, during the mandatory "wearing of the lampshade", as there may be hazards of which you are visually unaware.

- When it comes time to trash your host's home or apartment, it is important to avoid the risk of electric shock by first unplugging any appliances you intend to destroy.