Hurry Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two man playing golf were held up by two women playing in front of them. One man said: "I'll walk up to them and tell them to hurry up." When he returned he said: "I have a problem, one of the women is my wife and the other one is my mistress." The second man said: "I'll walk up to them and hurry them up." He came back and said: " We both have the same problem. ”

Giorgo and his beautiful girl-friend Isabella rush in to see the vicar: " We want to get married. Here are all
our papers, and these two people are our witnesses. Can you do a quick service?" The vicar is amused. He marries the two young people, pockets his fee and asks: " Isn't there a proverb?.. something about not marrying in haste? Why are you two in such a hurry? Dragging his bride after him, Giorgio rushes out into the street: " We double parked!"

A man was in a hurry to meet his friend down at the nearby lake. On the way down there, he was stopped by a man fully dressed in red. The man pulled over, and the red man asked, "Hi, I'm the red jerk of the highway. Have anything to eat?" The man smiled and handed him a sandwich. He continued down the highway and was yet again pulled over by a man fully dressed in green. He stopped and the guy in green said, "Hi, I'm the green jerk of the highway. Have anything to drink?" Without smiling, the man handed the green guy his coke. He started off again and started to speed down the highway. Yet again he was stopped by a guy fully dressed in blue. Sighing, he pulled over and pulled down his window, leant out and said, "Let me guess. You're the blue jerk of the highway. What do you want?" "Registration and license please" came the reply.

A captain of a pirate ship is overlooking the ocean when he sees another pirate ship coming twards them.
He tells his young assistant

" Hurry go downstairs and get my red shirt"

So he does.

Then the two ships begin to fight, and they won.

The next day they see another ship, and the captain tell his assistant " Hurry go get my red shirt"

so he did

And they fought and won again

Finally the young assistant asks " why is it that every time we go to battle you ask for your red shirt".

The captain replies" So if I get injured in battle the crew wont see and they wont worry about me, they will just keep fighting, i just dont wanna show weekness.

So they assistant was like okay.

The next day the assistant runs up the stairs yelling "captain, captain hurry you've got to see this"

So the Captain runs outside and looks around. more...

The Redneck Oil Change Checklist

1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

12. Clean up.

13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.

16. more...

My karma ran over your dogma.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
I'm in no hurry, I'm on my way to work.
Hey idiot, hang up! You are driving a car, not a phone booth.
Take your time, but hurry.
Speed kills, drive slow, get a Honda.
0 to 60... in 15 minutes.
If you don't like my driving, stay off the footpath.
Why am I the only person on earth that knows how to drive?
Forget about world peace... visualize using your turn signal.
As a matter of fact, I DO own the road.
Evacuate the road!!! STUDENT driving!!
Go on speeding, we'll cut you out (of your car ) - Your Fire Dept.
Caution: Driver Sleeping.
Don't Think and Drive.
Caution I swerve and hit people at random.
So many pedestrians, so little time.
Faster than a speeding ticket.
Caution: I drive like you do
The driver has no money, he's married.
Stop reading my bumper stickers and pay attention to the road! :D

A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots.

'Where is your costume?' the husband asked.

'This is it,' replied his wife.

'What the heck kind of costume is that?' asked the husband.

'Why, I am going as Puss and Boots,' explains the wife.' Now hurry and get your costume on.' The husband went upstairs and was back in about two minutes. He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his penis.' What the heck kind of costume is that?' asked the wife.

'I am a fire alarm,' he replied.

'A fire alarm?' she repeated laughing.

'Yes,' he replied.' In case of fire break the glass, pull twice and I come.'