Hurt Jokes / Recent Jokes

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied. Any way because the truth was too humiliating to reveal.
I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Ed!" she hearkened. "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower pitter-patter. "Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" She pleaded. more...

The Top Ten Nerf Toys!
10. The Nerf Sling shot for those whose parent's do not approve of any type of weapon. (Don't shoot at point blank range, it may cause longterm damage to target)
9. The nerf nerve prodder delivers quick shocks to target, three settings nerf, old timer, and die die die.
8. The nberf raygun is a compact gun with two settings don't hurt nothin (nerf) and blow your bedroom walls to oblivian.
7. The nerf exploding football is the perfect tool for teaching your children how to catch a football. (Football if dropped delivers a 50 mega ton nuclear explosion to surrounding area and state)
6. The nerf robotic ping pong opponent is great for the experienced ping pong player, it also teaches advanced techniques. (if the robotic nerf ping pong players opponent misses the ping pong ball during a game, this robot has been known to chuck a large number of balls at his/her head)
5. the nerf electronic Karate tutor is an excelent addition to any dojo, the more...

Q. What did the blonde say when she knocked over a priceless Ming vase?
A. “its okay Daddy, I’m not hurt. ”

Calling in Sick... A Cat Owner's Story Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!" she hearkened. "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am more...

A young woman said to her doctor, ‘You have to help me, I hurt all over! ’
‘What do you mean? ’ said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, ’Ow, that hurts. ’
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, ‘Ouch! That hurts, too. ’
Then she touched her right earlobe. ‘Ow, even THAT hurts! ’
The doctor asked the woman, ‘Are you a natural blonde? ’
‘Why yes, ’ she said.
‘I thought so, ’ said the doctor. ‘You have a sprained finger. ’

This guy who was only 5'3 was going to have sex with this girl at this party one night so they found a room and as soon as the girl had all of her clothes off she tells the guy. now i want you to give me nine inches and you better make it hurt. so the guy fucked her three times and then punched her.

The traveling salesman explained to the farmer that he, the salesman, had a full day ahead of himself and that he had a lengthy sales pitch to deliver, but that he was consumed with curiosity about the pig, with a wooden leg, walking around the yard.
"Why does that pig have a wooden leg?", he asked.
"Well", the farmer drawled, "One day I was plowin' up the south forty when that thar tractor hit a stump, reared up on me, rolled over and stuck me underneath. I yelled and I hollered, but nobody heered me -' cept for that pig! He jumped over the fence, ran' cross the field, put his shoulder to the tractor, and lifted it jist enough for me to wiggle free. If it warn't fer that pig, I reckon I'd be a dead man today!
"Oh, so the pig hurt his leg when he lifted the tractor", the salesman deducted.
"Nope.", said the farmer. "One night our house was afire and we didn't know it. But that pig! That pig jumped over the fence, more...