Hurt Jokes / Recent Jokes

Dear Connie,
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait any more. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.
In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad any more. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not
even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Raffles and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to more...

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?" The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain." "I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks." Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little...""Like this?" "A little more...""Like this?" "No. A little more...""Like this?" "Yes. Does that hurt?" "A little bit." "Now stretch it over your head!"

For Christmas this year my wife purchased a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.
The club suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress.
Day 1. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was more...

For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic-clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.
Day 1:
They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blonde hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. more...

(Hear are some real answers/comments given by kids about love)
1) HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT
ARE IN LOVE?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can
tell if he's in love." - Bobby, age 9
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food
will get cold... Other people care more about the food."
- Bart, age 9
"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are
just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or
they just broke up." - Sarah, age 9
"See if the man has lipstick on his face." - Sandra, age 7
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on
fire. They like to order those because it's just like how
their hearts are --- on fire." - Christine, age 9
2) TITLES OF THE LOVE BALLADS YOU CAN SING TO YOUR BELOVED
"'How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your more...

Andy was out playing golf when his ball landed on the rough in a patch of buttercups. Just as he lifted his club in the air, he heard a faint voice, "Please, don't hurt my buttercup."
Startled, he lowered his club and took a look around to confirm that he was alone. Satisfied that he was, he began to raise his club when he again heard the same voice, a little louder this time, "Please, don't hurt my buttercups."
Unsure of what to make of it, he spoke aloud, "Hello? Is anyone out there?" Immediately, a small fairy appeared before him. "I am the forest fairy. If you don't hurt my buttercups, then I shall give you all the butter you want for the rest of your life."
"Where the hell were you when I was in the pussywillows?" Andy replied.

why did the blondes bellybutton hurt?
becuase her boyfriend was blond to!