Hurt Jokes / Recent Jokes
Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he ask, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"
"Well Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"
"And the boar tore up his leg?"
"No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and' fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved' em all!"
"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"
"No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came more...
I am sure you can imagine
It's as simple as can be.
The place is picadilly
The players are he and she.
She whispered "Will it hurt me"
"of course not", answered he,
It's a very simple process.
You can rely on me.
She said I am frightened,
I've not had it done before.
He started to convince her,
It would not hurt at all.
Finally she consented,
and he started on it.
Half an hour later
Neither spoke a word.
It was rather painful.
Tears in her eyes.
It's hurting quite a bit now.
It must be quite a size.
"Now calm yourself my dear" said he.
His face betrayed a grin.
Just open slightly wider
Let me get more in.
It's coming now he told her.
Suddenly he gave a shout.
Thank god,
You pulled it out.
Now if you read it carefully
It's a dentist you will find,
and not what you are thinking.
It's just your dirty mind.
Jay Leno monologue, "Britney spears wrecked her $200,000 Ferrari after she downshifted into second gear going 85 miles an hour. But never any danger of her gettin' hurt. She wasn't hurt 'cause luckily, both her and the car have the dual air bags, so they're fine."
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned that it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do but to the best you can do.
I've learned that it's not what happens to people that's important. It's what they do about it.
I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides to the story.
I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to more...
Two gay gentlemen were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillas and after a while they noticed that the huge male gorilla had a massive erection. This fascinated the gay men so much they couldn't take their eyes off of it. One of the men just couldn't bear it any longer and he reached into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him, dragged him into the cage and screwed him for six hours non-stop.
When he was done, the gorilla threw the gay man back out of the cage. An ambulance was called and the man was taken away to the hospital. The next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asked, "Are you hurt?" "AM I HURT?" he shouted, "Wouldn't you be? That big ape hasn't called, he hasn't written..."
A little dirt never hurt anyone, just wipe it off.
Act your age.
Am I talking to a brick wall?
As long as you live under my roof, you'll live by my rules.
Big boys don't cry.
C'mon, you throw like a girl.
Coffee will stunt your growth.
Could those sleeves be any longer? You look like a bag lady!
Didn't your teacher teach you anything?!
Do what I say, not what I do.
Do you think I am made of money?
Don't ask me, ask your mother.
Don't believe anything you hear and only half of what you see.
Don't give me any of your lip, young lady.
Don't make me stop the car!
Don't tell on anybody unless you tell on yourself first.
Don't use that tone with me!
Don't worry. It's only blood.
Don't you know any normal boys?
Enough is enough!
Get your elbows off the more...