Idiot Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.' She's incredibly mixed up,' said one doctor.' She does everything absolutely backwards.

Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!'

The second doctor said,' That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!'

Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall.' Oh my God!', said the first doctor,' I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!'

An institution for the mentally ill arranged for its inmates to attend a baseball game. The director spent days training the patients to obey his commands, so there wouldn't be any trouble. The day of the game was bright and sunny and the group arrived just before the first pitch.

When it was time for the National Anthem, the director yelled,' 'Up, nuts!'' and the inmates immediately rose. When the National Anthem was over, the director yelled,' 'Down, nuts!'' and the inmates sat.

The game proceeded and the inmates were well-behaved. When the home team made a good play, the director yelled,' 'Clap, nuts!'' and the patients applauded just like normal fans. Things were going so well that the director left his seat to go get a hot dog and a beer.

But when he came back, there was a riot going on. The director finally located his assistant and demanded,' 'What happened?''' 'Everything was fine,'' the assistant said,' 'until some guy came over and yelled,' more...

A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."

"Yeah what happened?" asked the other.

The first guy replies, "Well, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."

13. Saws a gummie bear in half, then puts it back together.

12. Insists that his magic won't work if he puts his clothes back on.

11. "The Amazing Kevorkian" is scaring the Hell out of Grandma.

10. Makes a bird appear for the kids by simply raising his middle finger.

9. Replaces pulling a rabbit out of his hat with the slightly racier pulling the "big snake" out of his pants.

8. She closes her eyes, then claims to be invisible.

7. His first and only trick: The Amazing Disappearing Bottle of Jagermeister

6. During one trick, screams "Pick a freakin' card already or I swear I'll blow the little birthday boy's head off!"

5. Begins by saying his first trick "relies on the magic of sweet, sweet love."

4. His biggest trick? Converting a sixer of Coors into "liquid gold" -- eventually.

3. Smoke emanating from more than just the more...

Q: Did you hear about the idiot that locked his keys in his car?
A: Took him an hour using a coat hanger to get his family out.
Q: Why do idiot dogs have flat noses?
A: From chasing parked cars.
Q: What did the idiot mother say when her daughter said she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's yours?"
...and finally: Q: How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

The South Carolina State Police received reports of illegal cock fights being held out in the parish near Goose Creek, and duly dispatched Detective Thibideaux to investigate. Thibideaux reported to his sergeant the next morning.

"Dey is tree main groups in dis cock fightin," Thibideaux began.

"Good work Thibideaux! Who dey be?" the sergeant asked. Thibideaux replied confidently, "De Polacks, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."

Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How you find dat out in one night?"

"Well," said Thibideaux, "I went down and done seed dat cock fight,I knowed de Polacks was involved whan a duck was entered in de fight."

The sergeant nodded. "Oh yeah, l see dat, but what' bout de others?"

Thibideaux intoned knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved whan sumbody bet on de duck."

"Ah," sighed the sergeant. "Dat more...

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....
On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you`ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you`re talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee.
"It`s the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.