Impressed Jokes / Recent Jokes

David Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in the
> kitchen
> department of a large department store. "What's that?" he asks.
>
> "A Thermos flask," replies the assistant. "What does it do?" asks
> Becks.
> The
> assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.
>
> Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his next
> training
> session.
>
> "Here, boys, look at this," Beckham says proudly. "It's a Thermos
> flask."
> The lads are impressed. "What does it do?" they ask. "It keeps hot
> things
> hot and cold things cold,"says David.
>
> "And what have you got in it?" asks Roy Keane.
>
> "Two cups of coffee and a choc ice," replies David.

I met a guy on the golf course who played to scratch using nothing more than a large weight on the end of broom handle for everywhere except the green, and an old umbrella for putting.
In the nineteenth, I told him how impressed I was.
"I guess it's because I'm a genius" he replied casually. "I find things so easy that I have to make everything more difficult."
"Snooker for example," he continued, "I play with a rubber bung stuck on the end of a metal pole twisted like a corkscrew. I could still beat Dan Brock with one hand tied behind my back. I have to make it difficult, or I get bored.
"Or rifle shooting," he went on. "I've taken the sights off the gun, hold it one handed (left hand even though I'm right handed) sight with my right eye (even though the gun's in my left hand) and stand on one leg while the rest lie prone to hold the weapon stable. Even then, I could win Harley whenever I want. Nothing's any fun unless more...

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot.
When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash.

When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity.
They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about' normal' tricks.
"Well," they said, "let's try this out."
Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearly pronounced the command, more...

In an announcement that has stunned the computer industry, Ken Thompson, Dennis Ritchie and Brian
Kernighan admitted that the Unix operating system and C programming language created by them is an
elaborate prank kept alive for over 20 years. Speaking at the recent UnixWorld Software Development
Forum, Thompson revealed the following:
"In 1969, AT&T had just terminated their work with the GE/Honeywell/AT&T Multics project. Brian and I
had started work with an early release of Pascal from Professor Niklaus Wirth's ETH labs in
Switzerland and we were impressed with its elegant simplicity and power. Dennis had just finished
reading' Bored of the Rings', a National Lampoon parody of the Tolkien's' Lord of the Rings' trilogy.
As a lark, we decided to do parodies of the Multics environment and Pascal. Dennis and I were
responsible for the operating environment. We looked at Multics and designed the new OS to be as
complex and cryptic as more...

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.

At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home.

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called in the dog and showed off a little.

The friends were impressed and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.

Well, they said. "Let's try this out." Once more they called the dog and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"

Quick as a more...

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. The woman enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over more...

Now that the summer is upon us, you might be considering a visit to Canada`s youngest province. Here are a few survial tips:

a) Memorize all of the jokes at this site. Every Newfoundlander will be impressed that you have taken the time to learn about our culture and can quote these jokes verbatum.

b) Always refer to a Newfoundlander as "Newfie", otherwise you will be considered snobbish.

c) Until you are more familiar with Newfoundland and it`s history stick to safe topics when talking to Newfoundladers. A good opening line might be: "I hear unemployment is high in Newfoundland" or "My brother Jack works with a Newfoundlander in Brooks Alberta".

d) Learn how to pronounce Newfoundland. Many Canadians pronounce Newfoundland as "Newf-And-Land", sort of like Understand. This won`t get you many friends. The correct pronunciation is "New-Fun-Lin". If you remember any of these tips, make sure it is more...