Industry Jokes / Recent Jokes

Humorous Computer-Related Acronyms

IBM

I Blame Microsoft
Idiots Buy Me
Idiots Building Machines
I`ll Buy Macintoshes
It Bit Me
It Built Microsoft
It`s Better Manually
I`ve Been Mislead
I`ve Been Mugged

WINDOWS

Well, It Never Does Operate With Speed
When I Need Data Output Without Speed
While Idle, Needs DX or WorkStation
Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

WIN

Whoppingly Immense NOP
Worm Infestation Netware
MS-WINDOWS NT / WINDOWS NT
My Solitaire With Its New De-accelerator, Only With Some Network Technology
Well Intended, Netword De-accelerator, Only Works Sometimes, Never Totally
WINDOWS (as a) Network Trojan

Different Operating Systems Expectations

Macintosh: What You See Is What You Get
MS-DOS: You Asked For It, You Got It
UNIX: IfUHv2sk, UDntWnt2Kno
VMS: You Got It, All Of It, Want It Or more...

Help!!
As you are probably aware, if voting results in Florida stand as they are now, George W. Bush will be our next President.
This will have catastrophic results in our vital - no, indispensable - entertainment industry.
Barbra Streisand, Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon, Whoopie Goldberg, Alec Baldwin - among many others - have sworn to leave the country if George W. Bush is elected President.
And this is where YOU can help. We need volunteers to help pack and to load moving vans. We also need airfare for these irreplaceable national treasures so they can relocate before they change their minds.
For the cost of a small SUV, you can sponsor one of these celebrities and their unfortunate relocation.
You will know that your efforts are helping when you receive postcards, letters and pictures from your chosen "refugee" as they learn to become a useful citizen in the Third World country of their choosing.
You will help, won't you? It costs so little more...

How many internet group posters does it take to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light
bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
53 to flame the spell checkers
41 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"... another 6 to
condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct
156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation
of their "acceptable use policy"
109 to post that this group is not about more...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates
reportedly compared the computer industry with the
auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has,

we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars
that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill`s comments, General Motors i
ssued a press release stating (by Mr Welch himself):


If GM had developed technology like Microsoft,
we would all be driving cars with the
following characteristics:


1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash
twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the
road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway
for no reason, and you would just accept this,
restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a
left turn, would cause your car to more...

It's amazing how successful the porn industry is and yet it doesn't know how to advertise to it's target audience, especially internet porn. You get these fake friend requests on MySpace or e-mails like "an important notice for you", but what the porn industry doesn't realize is men don't need to be tricked into watching porn. We think about sex every seven seconds, the ol' bait and switch is not neccessary. I have never been masturbating and halfway through been like, "What's going on? Oh no, I've been tricked by porn again, DAMN YOU PORN!" Porn is not like vegetables or housework that we have to be coaxed into, porn is the dessert, like jell-o or pudding...that two woman wrestling in. Porn is like housework...being done by a naughty frenchmaid. See now every guy that's reading this is now thinking about bending that french maid over and using the feather duster for something else and if you weren't then, you are now.

The chicken industry was in terrible shape, losing money and laying off employees. Industry leaders hit upon a plan: They went to see the Pope and said, "We'll give a million dollars to the Church if you agree to change the Bible: Where it says, "Give us this day our daily bread," change it to "Give us this day our daily chicken."
The Pope was outraged and refused.
The chicken leaders said, "Okay, 10 million dollars."
"Absolutely not! I won't tamper with the Word of God!"
After some consultation, the chicken leaders said, "Okay. 100 million dollars and that's our final offer!"
The Pope couldn't turn it down. He accepted.
At the next General Council, the Pope announced, "I have some good news and bad news. The good news is that I've made 100 million dollars for the Church. The bad news is we lost the Wonder Bread account."

The autobiography of a former Japanese porn actress has become the latest craze amongst teenage girls in Taiwan. Platonic Sex has sold 70, 000 copies since it hit the shops in December and discusses Ai Iijima's childhood, the sex industry and her move into acting and writing. But despite proving popular with teenagers, Taiwanese women's groups fear the book may encourage girls to enter the sex industry. One campaigner, Tang Li-yen of the Women and Children Protection Foundation, said: "It would encourage our young people to learn from Ms Iijima." But many teenagers say they admire 28-year-old Ai Iijima's open attitude to sex and find her eventful life inspiring. Veronic Hsieh, a 17-year-old student, has told the: "I want to know how a former porn actress like her can finally find her way back to the right path and lead a normal life."