Inebriated Jokes / Recent Jokes

The inebriated university professor staggered into the bar and asked the bartender for a dry Martinus.
"Beg your pardon, sir," the bartender replied, "But do you mean a Martini?"
"Now see here, my good man," exclaimed the ninety-proof prof. "If I want two, I'll ask for them."

A pair of inebriated strangers struck up a friendly conversation at a bar and the subject soon got around to sex, as it usually does.
"Say," said the first fellow, smirking, "have you ever been so drunk that you kissed a woman on the navel?"
With a mighty effort, the second sot propped himself up and said, "Drunker."

One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there."He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "Theres no fish down there."He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "Theres no fish down there." He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?" "No, you idiot," the voice said, "its the rink manager."

A well-dressed but obviously inebriated gentleman stumbled up to a policeman at a busy downtown intersection and voiced a thick-tongued complaint. "Somebody stole my car, officer," he announced groggily. "I had it right here on the end of my ignition key."

"We'll go right to the station and report it," the patrolman replied, amused at the fellow's drunken condition. "But I think you should zip your trousers before we leave."

"Oh, my God," blubbered the drunk, noticing his open fly. "Somebody's stole my girl, too."

Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.
One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened and suggested, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways." The wife thought that this might be a good idea.
That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual more...

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." Our wasted friend asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."

An inebriated crook had a little problem and ended up at the police station.
"Couldn`t you get that crook to confess to the crime?" asked the police chief.
"We tried everything, Sir. We browbeat and badgered him wit every question we could think of."
"How did he respond?
He just dozed off and said now and then: "Yes, Dear. You are perfectly right."