Injury Jokes / Recent Jokes
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top
this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb,
call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it." "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter more...
A man went on a ski trip, and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury. "Why is the injury not covered?" he asked. "You got hit in the head by a chair lift." - the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre-existing condition."
Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: "What Zermatter?" Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse. Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury. Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: TWO bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident. Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It more...
Alp - One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: "What Zermatter?"
Avalanche - One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.
Bindings - Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury.
Bones - There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: There are two bones of the middle ear that have never been broken in a skiing accident.
Cross-Country Skiing - Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't require the purchase of costly lift more...
- Always make every effort to keep hands, hair, clothing and jewelry clear of the garbage disposal unit while vomiting in your host's kitchen sink.
- Embarrassing potentially serious injury can be avoided by asking you host or hostess for assistance in locating the bathroom light switch. What feels like a toilet in a darken room may instead be a life-threatening washing machine when used improperly.
- The safety-conscious party animal knows that it's important NEVER to stand on the "hinge" side of a bathroom door.
- When the time comes to dance on the bar while performing a striptease, it is important to avoid injury by first removing any bottles, spills or beer nuts, which could cause a sudden loss of balance.
- When it becomes apparent that you about to pass out, serious trampling injuries can be avoided by quietly directing yourself to a low-traffic area prior to losing consciousness.
- Depending on you level of more...
Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.
Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."
Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."
Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television."
On a busy Med/Surg floor the doctor stops the nurse to brief her on a patient's condition. "This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exacty." The doctor then began listing orders:"You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first. He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours. He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every twenty-five minutes and must void between. Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day. Give range of motion every thirty minutes. He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour. Feed him something tasty every hour. Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times. Chart his condition more...