Inmate Jokes

An inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the following morning. One of the prison guards asked the inmate if he wanted something special for his last meal. The inmate declined the offer. Later, the prison guard asked the inmate if there was something special he wanted to do on his final day. Again, the inmate declined the offer. The following morning, as he inmate was being put before the firing squad, the guard asked him if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."

"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" asked the guard. The inmate thought for a moment, then replied, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, from beginning to end, without any interruptions." The guard nodded and agreed. "Go ahead," said the guard. The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the more...

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden new that, deep down, Andy was a good person. So, the warden made arrangements for the inmate to learn a trade while doing his time.

Some three years later, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often, he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community. And, he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening. Andy was a model inmate.

One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen, though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top. So, he called Andy into his office and asked him to do the job for him. To the warden's surprise, Andy simply refused to help.

"But, you're an expert. Andy, I really need your help," said the warden.

"Gosh, warden, I'd really like to help you, but counter more...

...a texas prison inmate was caught using a smuggled cell phone...he kept the phone hidden in his rectum with a ring tone that sounded like a fart, so no one noticed...the inmate reported the reception as crappy.

An inmate at the insane asylum was being examined for possible release. The first question the examining doctor asked was: "What are you going to do when you leave this institution?"
"I'm gonna get me a sling shot," said the patient, "and I'm gonna come back here and break every goddam window in the place!"
After six more months of treatment, the patient was again brought before the examining doctor for possible dismissal, and the same question was put to him.
"Well, I'm going to get a job," the patient replied.
"Fine," said the doctor. "Then what?"
"I'm going to rent an apartment."
"Very good."
"Then I'm going to meet a beautiful girl."
"Excellent."
"I'm going to take the beautiful girl up to my apartment and I'm going to pull up her skirt."
"Normal, perfectly normal."
"Then I'm gonna steal her garter, make more...

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

Another one said, "How do you know?"

The first inmate said, "God told me!"

A voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"