Instrument Jokes / Recent Jokes
Q: What's the definition of a minor second? A: Two flutes playing a unison. Flute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune. Q: Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at some factories? A: To give us some sort of appreciation for flutes. Q: What is perfect pitch on a flute? A: When it misses the rim of the toilet as you throw it in.
A farmer orders an expensive milking machine. He decides to test it on himself first, so he inserts his manhood into the equipment and turns on the switch.
Soon he realizes that the equipment provides him with more pleasure than his wife does. But when the fun is over, he realizes that he cannot remove the instrument from his tool, anxiously he reads the manual, but does not find any useful information.
He tries every button on the instrument, without success. finally the farmer decides to call the customer hotline. "Hello, I just bought a milking cow machine from your company, It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry sir", replies the customer service person, "the machine will release automatically once it has collected two litres! "
A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned the house down."The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?"
Q: How do you get five oboes in tune? A: Shoot four of them.Q: What are burning oboes used for? A: To set bassoons on fire.Q: Why does an oboist always have to fight for correct intonation? A: Because most oboes are full of holes.Q: How do you make an oboist play a sustained A-flat? A: Steal his batteries.
Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty. 1 to do it and the other 19 to stand around and say, "I can do that!"Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue riding? A: Bach in the saddle again. Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it's electrified. Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list. Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was. Q: Why don't they know where Mozart is buried? A: Because he's Haydn! Q: What's musical and handy in a supermarket? A: A Chopin Liszt. Q: What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins? A: A pair of Re-bachs. Q: What do you call a male quartet? A: Three men and a tenor.
Q: Why do drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses? A: So they don't disgrace themselves at the parade.Q: How do you know if there is a percussionist at the door? A: The knocking gets slower.Q: How can you tell when there is a drummer at your front door? A: The knocking gets faster.Q: How do you know when a drum solo's really bad? A: The bass player notices.Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A: A drummer.Q: What do you call a drummer who has just broken up with his girlfriend? A: Homeless.Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test? A: Drool.If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.
Q: How do you protect a valuable instrument?
A: Hide it in an accordion case.