Insults Jokes / Recent Jokes

Aren't you tired of those stupid, mushy greeting cards down at the card store? Here's what a real friend would send to another...
Dear friend,
When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad...
When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you...
When you smile, I'll know you finally got laid...
When you are scared, I'll will rag about it every chance I get...
When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whinin'...
When you are confuse, I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass...
When you are sick, stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have...
When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass...
Sincerely,
Your friend

Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding. Wouldn't you know it, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, BOY?"
Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 35?"
"SIXTY-SEVEN mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
"But if you already knew, officer," replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"
Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, in his normal sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone more...

A black female is having trouble with her menses. She goes to the gynecologist and he asks: "Mrs. Williams, what kind of flow do you have?" "Linoleum" she replies.

Flea: (noun) a small, wingless, bloodsucking parasite
(see also) a. Brother-in-law
b. lawyer
c. politician

After the annual office party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire senior management, and insulted the Regional Director General to his face."

"He's an asshole. I should have pissed on him."

"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, SCREW HIM!!" yelled John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

Do you know how to keep an idiot in suspense?

I'll tell you tomorrow.

Some useful descriptions of people you may come into contact with from day to day.
1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
3. A room temperature IQ.
4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
5. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
6. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
7. Bright as Alaska in December.
8. During evolution, his ancestors were in the control group.
9. Fell out of the family tree.
10. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
11. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
12. He's so dense, light bends around him.
13. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
14. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
15. It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.
16. Some drink from the fountain of more...