Intellectual Jokes / Recent Jokes

Here are a selection of jokes from the Washington Post -- if you don't get' em, the * are explained at the bottom...

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JOKE 1

An American tourist in Italy is constipated for a week, but when he arrives in Florence, the water is better and his condition goes away. "With Firenze* like this," he said, "who needs enemas?"

JOKE 2

Dr. Smith: My son passed calculus* but he wasn't at all happy about it.
Dr. Jones: Why not?
Dr. Smith: It was the size of a pea!
Dr. Jones: Hahaha-ha.

JOKE 3

A young American woman is touring Germany. She is walking down the street when a sleazy guy jumps out of an alley and opens his raincoat. "Ewww," she shrieks. "That's gross." "Danke schoen," he says.

JOKE 4

Did you hear about the incompetent Hawaiian vulcanologist? He didn't know his a'a's* from a hole in the more...

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1066.

Tom Swifties are a kind of a pun where the way the speaker is described makes the quote into a pun...

"I need a pencil sharpener," said Tom bluntly.

"Oops! There goes my hat!" said Tom off the top of his head.

"I can no longer hear anything," said Tom deftly.

"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.

"This must be an aerobics class," Tom worked out.

"I'm wearing my wedding ring," said Tom with abandon.

"Who would want to steal modern art?" asked Tom abstractedly.

"Now I can chop down that tree," said Tom with a heavy accent.

"Let's all play an A, a C sharp, and an E," cried Tom's band with one accord.

"I gave the donkey some vinegar," said Tom acidly.

"There's room for one more," Tom admitted.

"They are not answering - we'd better more...

One day all the scientists in heaven decided to play hide-n-seek. Einstein was "it" and had to count up to 100 and then start searching.

Einstein starts counting... "1,2,3..."

Everyone starts hiding except Newton who just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in front of Einstein.

"97,98,99... 100!" He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front.

Einstein immediately sees him and starts yelling, "Newton's out! Newton's out!"

Newton denies and says, "I am not out. I am not Newton."

All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not Newton.

Newton says "I am standing in a square of area 1m squared. That makes me Newton per meter squared since one Newton per meter squared is one Pascal, I'm Pascal. Therefore, Pascal is OUT!"

The passengers on a small plane are a quite surprised when the pilots arrive.

The pilots walk up the aisle, both wearing dark glasses. One has a seeing-eye dog, the other is tapping his way with a white-tipped cane.

The cockpit door closes, the engines start up.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway. People by the windows realize they're heading right towards the water at the end of the runway.

Panic ensues. Screams fill the air. At that very moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot. "Y'know, Bob," he says. "One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

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Editor's Note: Think it through...

The End of the Raven

By Edgar Allen Poe's Cat

On a night quite unenchanting,
when the rain was downward slanting,
I awakened to the ranting of the man I catch mice for.
Tipsy and a bit unshaven, in a tone I found quite craven,

Poe was talking to a Raven perched
above the chamber door.
' Raven's very tasty,' thought I,
as I tiptoed o'er the floor,
' There is nothing I like more'

Soft upon the rug I treaded,
calm and careful as I headed
Towards his roost atop that dreaded
bust of Pallas I deplore.
While the bard and birdie chattered,
I made sure that nothing clattered,
Creaked, or snapped, or fell, or shattered,
as I crossed the corridor;
For his house is crammed with trinkets,
curios and wierd decor -
Bric-a-brac and junk galore.

Still the Raven never fluttered,
standing stock-still as he uttered,
In a voice that shrieked and more...

Tony went into the fish market to apply for a job.

The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Bronx kid, so he decided to set a test for Tony hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

Tony says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says, "What in the world is that?"

Tony says, "Tree' n tree' n tree makes nine."

"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99".

Tony stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.

"Der ya go sir," he says.

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

Tony answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so more...