Internet Jokes / Recent Jokes

Subject: more microsoft c humor
Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***
Project: Version - Windows 95
Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE): #include
#include
#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include /* For the court of law */
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version
void main()
{
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say("It will be ready in one more...

In the beginning, God created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big... And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.And God said - I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but do more...

Is Windows a Virus? No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do:1. They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that, too.4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too. Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.So, Windows is *not* a virus.

No! Windows is not a virus.
Here's what viruses do:
They replicate quickly - ok, Windows does that.
Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - ok, Windows does that.
From time to time, viruses will trash your hard disk - ok, Windows does that too.
Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that too.
Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow - see 2 - and the user will buy new hardware. Yep, that's with Windows, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So, Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug.

-USA Today: WE'RE DEAD
-The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
-National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
-Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
-Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
-Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
-Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
-Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
-Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
-Readers Digest: 'BYE
-Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
-TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
-Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
-America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
-Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

Ten ways to know that you're addicted to your computer:-
10) When you begin to laugh you yell, LOL.
9) You tell your computer you love it, more than you tell your spouse.
8) Your house catches on fire and you run home to save your computer before your family.
7) Your computer is your ONLY friend.
6) You think cyber sex is better than real sex.
5) You type only in short hand (YO ROFLMAO I'LL BRB B4 U RTFM LOL).
4) You type 40 words a minute with two fingers.
3) Your twins are named RAM & ROM.
2) After breaking from your computer, you realize you have gained 40lbs, have grown hair in unusual places, your spouse and kids have left you, and Windows 3.1 is outdated.
1) YOU READ STUFF LIKE THIS!

Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?
A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.
Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?
A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.
Q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation
A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your more...