Iron Jokes / Recent Jokes
Mom and Dad are in the iron and steel business. She does the ironing and he does the stealing.
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes." St. Peter replies, "Why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that, "Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this more...
A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron"
The man looks round and doesn't see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits a birdie. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky frog." The man decided to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?", the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." was the reply.
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "Ok where to next?" The more...
The plane was about to crash and a women says
I want to die feeling like a woman.So the woman takes off her clothes and says again who is willing to make me feel like a woman.A man stands up and takes off his shirt and tells her"iron this".
Want proof humans are doomed by their stupidity? Well, here's some actual label instructions found on various consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
On Swan frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (Hey, it's Only a suggestion...)
On a Tesco dessert (printed on bottom of box): Do not turn upside-down.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (an open invitation to shoplifters...)
On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for an Iron (Rowenta): Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boots Children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
On Nytol sleep aid: 'Warning: May cause drowsiness.'
On Sainsbury peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat more...
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was very strong and things went from bad to worse when one wing of the plane was struck by lightning.
One woman in particular lost it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
'I'm too young to die,' she wails.
Then she yells,
'Well, if I'm going to die I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable. I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman. Well, I'm fed up with it. Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?'
For a moment there is silence.
Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare riveted at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane.
'I can make you feel like a woman,' he says.
He's gorgeous. Tall, well built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a more...
A blond guy with two badly burned ears went to the emergency room for medical treatment.
"What happened" asked the doctor.
"Well, my wife was ironing while I was watching the ballgame on TV," began the man.
"She put the hot iron near the telephone and when the phone rang, I answered the iron."
The doctor nodded, "But what happened to the other ear?"
"Well, no sooner had I hung up," said the man, "when the same guy called again."