Israel Jokes / Recent Jokes

Israel's economy is in a bad way, inflation is getting higher and immigrants are flooding in from all over the world. Problems, problems, problems, but what should they do? So the Knesset holds a special session to come up with a solution. After several hours of talk without progress one member, Yitzhak, stands up and says "Quiet everyone, I've got it, I've got the solution to all our problems. We'll declare war on the United States." Everyone starts shouting at once. "You're nuts! That's crazy!" "Hear me out!" says Yitzhak. "We declare war. We lose. The United States does what she always does when she defeats a country. She rebuilds everything; our highways, airports, shipping ports, schools, hospitals, factories, and loans us money, and sends us food aid. Our problems would be over. "Sure," says Benny, another minister, "that's if we lose. But what if we win?"

Yesterday, Russia's Defense Minister criticized Israel's attacks on Muslim terrorists, calling them "a disproportionate use of force." He added, "Now if you'll excuse me, I've got Chechans to strangle."

Pope Benedict condemned Israel's response to attacks by Hezbollah. "The Middle East problem needs to be solved," said the German pontiff, "and when Jews defend themselves, it takes longer to find a final solution."

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outsidea Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. "America," the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "Shes not from the States." "Yes I am." said the wife. He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?" "Yes." she replied. Turning to the husband, he offered..... "Ill give you 100 camels for her." The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "shes not for sale." After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

Bush says Israel defeated Hezbollah.
Hezbollah say they defeated Israel.
One thing is certain though: CNN defeated "Veronica Mars."

The switch away from daylight savings time caused consternation among terrorist groups this year.

At precisely 5: 30 Israel time on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs.

A closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely explosions. Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from daylight savings time to standard time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to "live on Zionist time." Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued.

The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings time. The confused drivers had already switched to standard time. As a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering to the terrorists their well-deserved demise.

America and Israel struck a deal to bolster each others Armies.The Israelis said they would like to exchange three generals for three
generals. The Americans agreed, stating they wanted an IDF General to teach tactics, an armor General to teach desert warfare, and a Mossad General to teach espionage. The Israelis replied and said they wanted
General Electric, General Motors, and General Dynamics.