Janet Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember."The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into more...

Janet Reno and Hilary Clinton were engaging in typical girl talk. Hilary told Janet how lucky she was not having men make unwanted advances towards her, and that she never knew where Bill's pecker was the night before. Janet Reno remarked that just because she wasn't beautiful didn't mean that men didn't make passes at her.

So Hillary asked Janet how she warded off these unwanted sexual advances and Janet told her that whenever a man made an unwanted pass at her, she mustered up the loudest, stinkiest fart she could, and that it worked every time.

Hilary thought this was a great idea and decided to use it the next time Bill got frisky.

That night, Bill was in bed before Hilary. As soon as she slipped between the covers, Bill rolled over and Hilary knew he wanted some action. She had been saving her farts all day and let out the loudest, crudest fart she could.

Bill got up on one elbow and said, "Janet, that you?"

Janet: What's the difference between a cake and a school bus? Jill: I don't know. Janet: I'm glad I didn't send you to pick up my birthday cake!

Pick A Power Word
The manager of a ladies' dress shop decided it was time to have a serious talk with one of her sales clerks. "Janet, your figures are well below any of our other sales clerks'. I'm sorry to say that unless you can improve your record soon, we will have to let you go."
"I'm sorry, ma'am," Janet humbly replied. "Is there any advice you could give me on how to do better?"
"There is an old trick I can tell you about," the manager said. "It may sound silly, but it has worked for me in the past. Go through a dictionary until you come to a word that has particular power for you. Memorize it and work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate. You'll be amazed at the results."
Sure enough, Janet's sales figures improved, and at the end of the month the manager called her in again and congratulated her. "Did you try my little trick?" she asked.
"Yes," Janet nodded. "It more...

11th-hour tweaks for Windows `98 by Microsoft
10. Included subliminal "Impeach Janet Reno" messages in start-up screen.
9. New Internet Explorer feature: whenever you visit a Web site ending in ". gov," a message first appears reminding you that Microsoft is not a monopoly.
8. Source code no longer ones and zeros--try 666s and zeros. Windows start-up theme, played backward, says, Here`s to my sweet Satan."
7. Comes with check for $50 that, if cashed, puts your name on an Internet petition telling the DOJ to buzz off *and* changes your long distance carrier to AT & T.
6. New desktop icon--click once, and $1 will go directly from your checking account into the Microsoft Legal Defense Fund.
5. Added new template to preinstalled version of Word: "Letter to the editor expressing delight with Microsoft products."
4. Freebie computer-controlled Barney doll has been reprogrammed to say, "Big government is more...

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks.
Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you.
I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."
Janet responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."
Hillary asks, "Well, how do you deal with the problem?"
"Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can", says Janet.
That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slips into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action.
She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt more...

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker." Janet responded. "Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's politically correct for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances." Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?" Janet, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can." Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting more...