Desktop Jokes

Included subliminal "Impeach Janet Reno" messages in start-up screen. New Internet Explorer feature: whenever you visit a Web site ending in ". gov," a message first appears reminding you that Microsoft is not a monopoly. Source code no longer ones and zeros - try 666s and zeros. Windows start-up theme, played backward, says, "Here's to my sweet Satan." Comes with check for $50 that, if cashed, puts your name on an Internet petition telling the DOJ to buzz off *and* changes your long distance carrier to AT&T. New desktop icon - click once, and $1 will go directly from your checking account into the Microsoft Legal Defense Fund. Added new template to preinstalled version of Word: "Letter to the editor expressing delight with Microsoft products." Freebie computer-controlled Barney doll has been reprogrammed to say, "Big government is sca-a-ary. Janet tried to hurt me." TV function scrambles C-Span during antitrust hearings. Desktop more...

11th-hour tweaks for Windows' 98 by Microsoft10. Included subliminal "Impeach Janet Reno" messages in start-up screen. 9. New Internet Explorer feature: whenever you visit a Web site ending in ". gov," a message first appears reminding you that Microsoft is not a monopoly. 8. Source code no longer ones and zeros--try 666s and zeros. Windows start-up theme, played backward, says, Here's to my sweet Satan." 7. Comes with check for $50 that, if cashed, puts your name on an Internet petition telling the DOJ to buzz off *and* changes your long distance carrier to AT&T. 6. New desktop icon--click once, and $1 will go directly from your checking account into the Microsoft Legal Defense Fund. 5. Added new template to preinstalled version of Word: "Letter to the editor expressing delight with Microsoft products." 4. Freebie computer-controlled Barney doll has been reprogrammed to say, "Big government is sca-a-ary. Janet tried to hurt me." 3. TV more...

Ellen Degeneres virusYour IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC
Monica Lewinsky virusSuck all the memory out of your computer
Titanic virusMakes your whole computer go down
Disney virusEverything in the computer goes goofy
Mike Tyson virusQuits after one byte
Prozac virusScrews up your RAM but your processor doesn't care
Sharon Stone virusMakes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there
Lorena Bobbit virusTurns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy
Tim Allen virusAppears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact
Woody Allen virusBypasses the motherboard and turn on the a daughter card
Saddam Hussein virusWon't let you into any of your programs
Tonya Harding virusTurns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
George Michael virusRuns it's course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup
Joey Buttafuoco virusOnly attacks minor files
X-files virusAll your Icons start shape-shifting
Spice Girls virusHas no real function, more...

11th-hour tweaks for Windows '98 by Microsoft10. Included subliminal "Impeach Janet Reno" messages in start-up screen. 9. New Internet Explorer feature: whenever you visit a Web site ending in ".gov," a message first appears reminding you that Microsoft is not a monopoly. 8. Source code no longer ones and zeros-try 666s and zeros. Windows start-up theme, played backward, says, Here's to my sweet Satan." 7. Comes with check for $50 that, if cashed, puts your name on an Internet petition telling the DOJ to buzz off *and* changes your long distance carrier to AT&T. 6. New desktop icon-click once, and $1 will go directly from your checking account into the Microsoft Legal Defense Fund. 5. Added new template to preinstalled version of Word: "Letter to the editor expressing delight with Microsoft products." 4. Freebie computer-controlled Barney doll has been reprogrammed to say, "Big government is sca-a-ary. Janet tried to hurt me." 3. TV more...

By Nicholas Petreley
"Sulu, set path to the floppy drive. Scotty, fit the hard drive with the Microsoft Windows 95 engine. Chekov, prepare the install disks, we're about to begin a sequel."
"Capitan, Windows 95 doesn't do SQL."
"Right. Then let's see how she performs at task speed. Scotty?"
"Captain, are you surre you want to replace the system? If ye put Windows code into a true 32-bit multitasking environment, we'll risk a matter-antimatter explosion!"
"Scotty, that's an order. "
"Aye, Captain, but she's just not rready. She needs a proper beta shakedown."
"That's what we're doing, Scotty. Chekov, how are those install disks coming?"
"We're on disk 5, sir."
"Good. Spock?"
"Fascinating, Captain. It appears as if Windows 95 is scanning our hardware and mutating to adapt."
"Then, Spock, can you tell me why it is saying it can't use the more...