Jelly Jokes / Recent Jokes

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet.Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!! DAY ONE:Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat more...

An Italian, a Mexican, and a Redneck constuction worker all sat down one day to eat their lunch on top of a building they were working on.
The Italian opens his lunch and looks in and says, "Pastrami again! If I get pastrami one more day, I'm gonna jump off this building."
The Mexican opens his lunch and says, "Tamales again! If I get tamales one more day, I am gonna jump off this building."
The Redneck opens his lunch and says, "Peanut butter and jelly again! If I get peanut butter and jelly one more day, I am gonna jump off this building."
The next day at lunch, the Italian opens his lunch and finds pastrami, so he jumps off the building.
The Mexican opens his lunch and finds tamales, so he jumps off the building.
The Redneck opens his lunch and finds peanut butter and jelly, so he jumps off the building.
Later, at the funeral the Italian's wife cries out, "I didn't know he disliked pastrami so much!"
The more...

New Miracle Diet! Flabby people are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem? Or is there a slim hope? Such is the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a cup of black coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught parents, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor. .. otherwise more...

An Indian is calmly having his breakfast when an American, who is chewing gum, sits down beside him.The Indian ignores the American who begins to chat.
The American asks :'Do you eat the bread entirely?'
The Indian answers,'Of course!'
American: 'We do not .We only eat the inner part.The crust is put in a container and processed and transformed into flour and sold to India.'
The Indian says nothing.
The American continues,'Do you eat this jelly with the bread?'
Indian: 'Of course!'
American: 'We do not. We eat fresh fruits for breakfast and then put the seeds and peels into a container.Later it is processed and transformed to jelly and sold to India.'
The Indian finally asks,'And what do you do with the condoms after using them?'
American: 'We throw them away, of course!'
Indian: 'We do not. We keep them in containers, process them transform them into chewing gum and sell it to the United States.'

A guy's driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign Saying "Apples - $5.00 each." He thinks that that is a lot of money so he decides to go see what's up.
He goes up to the farmer and says, "Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?" The farmer replies, "They are peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer hands him one and says, "Here, try one." So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, "Peanut butter - that's great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples.
" The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims "son of a gun - jelly!" The man says, "These apples are great - give me some."
He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign "Apples - $10 each." Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, "Hey, what's up with these apples?"
The more...

15. Santa *remembers* it's Christmas.' Nuf said.

14. Reads children's letters in office instead of in bathroom.

13. Never explains what exactly you did to deserve that coal in
your stocking; if you have to ask, maybe that's the
problem!

12. Employs little people in a sweatshop and co-hosts TV talk
show, "Regis and Santa Lee."

11. Despite the closet full of red coats with big black belts,
*still* insists she has nothing to wear on Christmas Eve.

10. "Mrs. Claus" wears work boots, has a crew cut, and drives
a' 68 El Camino.

9. A man simply would not care if you were naughty or nice.

8. Actually seems to shake like TWO bowls full of jelly.

7. Bowl full of jelly, my ass. It's water retention.

6. Constantly whining about equality until it's time to
clean out the reindeer stalls.

5. Matching shoes and belt? Only a woman would more...

A guy's driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying "Apples - $5. 00 each." He thinks that that is a lot of money so he decides to go see what's up. He goes up to the farmer and says, "Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?" The farmer replies, "They are peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer hands him one and says, "Here, try one." So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, "Peanut butter - that's great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims "son of a gun - jelly!" The man says, "These apples are great - give me some!"He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign "Apples - $10 each." Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, "Hey, what's up with these apples?" The farmer says, more...