Jenkins Jokes / Recent Jokes

Um, well...
Three prisoners attempt an escape from Alcatraz, but are caught
and must be punished.
Prison Guard: "OK, the governor has prescribed punishment of three
lashes each, but you may have on your back the covering
of your choice. Jenkins, you first. What ya want on
your back?"
Jenkins: "Oil."
PG: "OK, then. Slop it on. Good. Now... ONE!"
Jenkins: " AAAAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHHH!"
PG: "TWO!"
Jenkins: "Oh GOD! MERCY! MERCY!"
PG: "THREE!"
Jenkins: "AAAARRRghhhhh (faints)"
PG: "Next, you Baxter, what do you want on your back?"
Baxter (extra tough macho type of guy): "Nothing."
PG: "Have it your way... ONE!"
Baxter: "Didn't feel it."
PG: "TWO!"
Baxter: "Ha, ha, ha!"
PG: "THREE!"
Baxter: "No sweat."
PG: "Finally you, Goldstein. What you want more...

A mortician was working late one night, examining bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Jenkins, who was about to be cremated, he made an astounding discovery... Mr. Jenkins had the longest penis he had ever seen!
"Sorry, buddy," the mortician said, "but I just can't send you to the crematorium with such a tremendously huge penis. It must be saved for posterity."
With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's member, stuffed his prize into his briefcase and took it home.
As his wife greeted him, he said, "Honey, I have something to show you that you aren't going to believe," and he opened his briefcase.
"Oh no!" she screamed. "Jenkins is dead... "

A Little Rock woman was killed yesterday after leaping through her moving car's sunroof during an incident best described as "a mistaken rapture" by dozens of eyewitnesses.

Thirteen other people were injured after a twenty-car pile up resulted from people trying to avoid hitting the woman who was apparently convinced that the rapture was occurring when she saw twelve people floating up into the air, and then passed a man on the side of the road who she claimed was Jesus.

"She started screaming "He's back, He's back" and climbed right out of the sunroof and jumped off the roof of the car," said Everet Williams, husband of 28-year-old Georgann Williams who was pronounced dead at the scene.

"I was slowing down but she wouldn't wait till I stopped," Williams said. She thought the rapture was happening and was convinced that Jesus was gonna lift her up into the sky," he went on to say.

"This is more...