Jerry Jokes / Recent Jokes
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
KEN STARR:
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the President of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's more...
Jerry is watching the end of an intense baseball game when his wife taps him on the shoulder and asks,' Honey, could you fix the front steps? They're ready to collapse.' He sighs and says,' After the game, Flo.' Flo grinds her teeth. She nearly broke her neck climbing those stupid stairs and all he cares about is his stupid baseball game.' Well, could you fix the light in the hall? It's been flickering for weeks.' He sighs and says,' Darn it, Flo, I'm a sports fan, not an electrician. Call Joe Burkes to fix it.' Flo counters:' Can you fix the fridge door, then? It won't shut.' Jerry turns to talk to her and misses the game-winning homer. He turns back to the screen and sees people celebrating and carrying on. He wants to swear. Instead he says,' You want me to fix the fridge? Who do I look like, the Maytag Repairman?' She opens her mouth and he hushes her silent.' I need to cool down,' he says.' I'm going out.' Jerry goes to his favorite watering hole and drinks for about an hour. more...
Pete and Jerry had been law partners for many years. One day, Pete fell ill, and grew progressively worse. Medical specialists were called in from the world over, but no one could diagnose Pete's illness. The only thing that seemed certain was that Pete's death was imminent. As Pete lay in his last hours, he felt obligated to reveal a few secrets to Jerry. "You know that million pound settlement we got from Morgan last year? I never told you this, but it was really three million. I kept the other two million, and eventually gambled it away. Can you forgive me? " Jerry said that he would, without question. Pete then told him, "Well, you remember when your wife divorced you and got the big financial judgement? It was me that gave her the inside information on your finances. I had been screwing her for years. How can you forgive me?" Jerry told his friend, once again, that it was forgotten. After Pete had told of several other transgressions, all of which Jerry more...
Frequently, I get a strip of coupons or other
promotional items from a little printer at the
checkout of my local grocery.
Coupons emerge as a thank-you for purchasing a
product, or based on some other derived data.
Yesterday, after buying a couple pints of Ben &
Jerry's Ice Cream (my favorite bad-for-me snack
food), I got the following checkout coupons in
sequence:
Save 55c on Two(2) Pints Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream
Free High Cholesterol Survival Guide
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight.
After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink
orders.
The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed
before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like
drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by
a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."
"I'll go and ask if we can go through," said Max to Jerry. The two golfers had been concerned for some time at the snail-like progress of two women, originally some holes ahead and now just in front of them on the ninth fairway. Max returned after only a few paces towards the ladies.
"Jerry, this is very embarrassing, but would you mind going? That's my wife up ahead and she's playing with my mistress."
Jerry returned having got no further forward than Max. "I say," he said, "what a coincidence..."
...Baghdad has opened its first Ben & Jerry's ice cream store. The most popular flavor is Iraqi Road. A delicious combination of chocolate ice cream, with nuts, marshmallows, and schrapnel.