Jerry Jokes / Recent Jokes

Copied from Ann Landers' Column:
Dear Ann Landers: My next-door neighbor is my dearest friend. Yesterday, over coffee at my kitchen table, she seemed quite upset with her husband, "Jerry". It is a well-known fact that he has been running around on her for years, so I asked her if she had ever considered a divorce. She said, "Divorce - never. But murder? Yes."
She continued, "Last night, I had to use the bathroom in the middle of the night - a common occurrence. I didn't want to turn on the light for fear of waking Jerry, so I groped my way, as I have done many times before. When I reached my destination, I poised myself to be seated and fell right into the bowl. It seems my darling husband, for the millionth time, had left the seat up."
I listened patiently, trying my darnedest not to laugh. I could tell she didn't see anything funny about it. Finally, she said, "I wonder what Ann Landers would say." I told her I would write and ask. more...

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drinkorders. The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placedbefore him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also likedrink. The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped bya brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,"I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight.
After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink
orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and
placed before him.
The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The
minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a
brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,"I'm
sorry, I didn't know there was a choice. I'll have the same thing he's
having."

Some Politicatl Quotes as collected in "They Said That!" by Larry Engelman


Like we say in Texas, if goofy ideas ever go to $40 a barrel, I want the drilling rights to Dick Armey's head.
Clinton advisor Paul Begala, 1998

If Jerry Brown is the answer, it must be a very peculiar question.
Sen. Lloyd Bentsen, 1992

This is Jerry Brown. Thanks for calling. And please do everything you can to assist and be an active member in the insurgent campaign to take back America. To speak to a live human being, dial zero.
-- Taped message on the Jerry Brown for President office phone in Santa Monica, Calif., 1992

She's not my type, let's put it that way. She wouldn't pass the test. Yes, the Bono test.
Sonny Bono, on Hillary Clinton, 1995

This year's elections are like a horse race. They end up exactly where they started. And when they're done, manure is everywhere.
Jay Leno, 1994

Many Americans more...

Jerry is watching the end of an intense baseball game when his wife taps him on the shoulder and asks, 'Honey, could you fix the front steps? They're ready to collapse.'
He sighs and says, 'After the game, Flo.'
Flo grinds her teeth. She nearly broke her neck climbing those stupid stairs and all he cares about is his stupid baseball game. 'Well, could you fix the light in the hall? It's been flickering for weeks.'
He sighs and says, 'Darn it, Flo, I'm a sports fan, not an electrician. Call Joe Burkes to fix it.'
Flo counters: 'Can you fix the fridge door, then? It won't shut.'
Jerry turns to talk to her and misses the game-winning homer. He turns back to the screen and sees people celebrating and carrying on. He wants to swear. Instead he says, 'You want me to fix the fridge? Who do I look like, the Maytag Repairman?'
She opens her mouth and he hushes her silent. 'I need to cool down,' he says. 'I'm going out.'
Jerry goes to his favorite watering hole and more...

Jerry Springer has convinced Bill Clinton to appear on his show in order to finally settle the many sex scandals that are rocking his Presidency. Said Springer, "I am pleased that the President is open-minded enough to beleive that my show is the right venue for airing out the problems that he is facing." When asked if he had difficulty getting the President to agree to be on his show, Springer answered, "No way. The President seems eager to appear on the show. He's from Arkansas, so what did you expect?"
The upcoming show will air in mid-September. Other people who will also be appearing on the show with him are Hillary Clinton, Monica Lewinsky, Paula Jones, Kathleen Willey and Jennifer Flowers. Springer promises that the show will follow the same format of all his others and will be "no holds barred". The title of the show will be "Honey, You Ain't Gonna Believe This, But I'm A Male Slut."

Jerry was complaining to his friend Dan that love making with his wife had become routine and quite boring.
"Break up the monotony, Jerry. Get creative. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," Dan said.
"That sounds great," Jerry replied, "but how do you make it last for a hour?"
"Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!" Dan said.