Seated Jokes

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight.After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drinkorders.The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placedbefore him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also likedrink.The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped bya brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,"I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."

In my own words: "I was flying from SFO to PDX on Friday, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like' what the heck?' (Getting PDX people to look at each other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it."

Before takeoff...
"Hello, and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to Portland. If you're going to Portland, you're in the right place. If you're not going to Portland, you're about to have a really long evening."

"We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is...The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now."

"There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're more...

A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class cabin on a cross-country flight, and settles herself in for the trip, smiling prettily at admiring passengers seated around her.
Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, 'Miss, I'm sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you're seated in first class; I'm afraid you'll have to move.'
The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model.'
Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant.
The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely, 'I'm sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move back.'
The blonde replies, sweetly, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model' - and shows no signs of moving.
Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he'll deal with the problem. He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, more...

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drinkorders. The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placedbefore him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also likedrink. The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped bya brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,"I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."

Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a gorgeous young lady sits
down at the other end and orders a martini. Stunned by her beauty, the two
guys stare at her for a while, debating whether to approach her, when all
of a sudden, she begins to cough, clutch her throat, and begin to turn blue
(obviously in serious respiratory distress). One said to the other, "That
there gal is having a bad time!"
The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help?" "You bet," said the
first, and with that he ran over and said, "Can you speak?" She shook her
head no. He then asked, "Can you breathe?" She again shook her head no.
With that, he pulled up her skirt, pulled down
the back of her panties and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked,
she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.
At which point, the first Texan looked at his friend and exclaimed, more...