Jerry Jokes / Recent Jokes
Jerry, a college freshman, was sitting in his English class. His teacher noticed that he wasn't paying attention, so asked to see him after class. Jerry went up to the teacher's desk, and waited while the teacher was talking to a attractive freshman girl. When he was done, he said, "Jerry, why weren't you paying attention in my class?" "I was staring at the hot babe you were just talking to," Jerry said.
"But don't get any ideas," Jerry said, "you're way to old for her."
"Oh, really?" the teacher said. "Yeah, you're old enough to be her father!" said Jerry.
"This talk is over!" said the teacher. Jerry starts to walk out when the teacher says, "And by the way, Jerry, next class don't stare at my daughter!"
Source: Passed to me by a colleague at the University of Idaho
Did you hear the one about the day Oral Roberts, Jerry Falwell and Robert
Schuler were driving to a big "tent meeting" together? Unfortunately,
they were involved in a terrible accident and all three were killed.
As you might expect they all ascended into heaven and came to standing in
front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted them and welcomed them to
heaven. Then he started to hem and haw around and finally explained that
they hadn't any advance notice of this situation and so weren't quite
prepared for three so illustrious and holy men. He explained how all
three of them qualified for the very finest accommodations heaven had to
offer including very large and splendid mansions, but they weren't quite
ready so would they mind waiting a few days?
They replied that they wouldn't mind waiting, but were they just going
to have to stand there for several days? more...
ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING......... By Francie Baltazar-Schwartz
Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"
He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.
Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"
Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself,' Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' more...
Thats right! The fickle flinger of pigskin has been honored with his own flavor.
Capricious Caramel!..One bite and you find yourself non-comittal, unsure and vague.
Ben and Jerry say the new flavor will be stocking their stores sometime this Aug..or Sept..some of it in Aug., some of it in Sept..or maybe next year.
$90,000/month in child support; $150,000/month for the child's diction lessons.
Restraining order keeping Keith 50 yards away from her bathroom medicine cabinet at all times.
Cash value from his Lloyd's of London Lip Insurance policy.
Custody of Bill Wyman's wife and the rest of the kids.
Satisfaction, Baby!
Has to admit publicly that Steven Tyler's lips are fatter than his.
Jerry keeps: sports cars and palatial estate Mick keeps: walker, clapper and Matlock videos
Financial support for her destitute brother, Arsenio.
Jerry keeps the kids; Mick keeps Kato.
You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you might find, you get half his stuff.
Keith must be removed from the wine cellar and given a proper burial.
A man is holding his wife's hand as she lays on her death
bed.
"Jerry, I,..., I have something to tell you before I pass
on."
"No, no, dear. Everything is forgiven now. All is well."
"No, Jerry. I've been carrying this load for years now, and I
must tell you. I,..., I've been unfaithful to you. I
slept with your best friend, Phil. I'm so terribly sorry."
"Yes, dear, I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"
Ron Baakkonen U.C. Berkeley