Jesus Jokes / Recent Jokes

It is truly astonishing what happens in Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world...In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humor more...

Yo mama's so old, I told her to act her age and the bitch died.

Yo mama's so old, she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp.

Yo mama's so old, the key on Ben Franklin's kite was to her apartment.

Yo mama's so old, her memory is in black and white.

Yo mama's so old, her social security number is 1.

Yo mama's so old, her birth-certificate expired.

Yo mama's so old, she has a picture of Jesus in her yearbook.

Yo mama's so old, she knew Mr. Clean when he had an afro.

Yo mama's so old, she's got Jesus' beeper number.

Yo mama's so old, when she was in school there was no history class.

Yo mama's so old, when she reads the bible she reminisces.

Yo mama's so old, when she was born, the Dead Sea was just getting sick.

Yo mama's so old, she called the cops when David and Goliath started to fight.

A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Nearthe cash register he saw a display of caps with "WWJD"printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letterscould mean, but couldnt figure it out, so he asked the clerk. The clerk replied that the letters stood for "What Would JesusDo", and was meant to inspire people to not make rashdecisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in thesame situation. The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, Im damnsure Jesus wouldnt pay $17. 95 for one of these caps."

Q: How did they know that Jesus was Jewish? A: Because he lived at home until he was thirty, he went into his father's business, his motherthought he was God, and he thought his mother was a virgin.

The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. The bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO, JESUS CHRIST, GO!".

Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of these loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way more...

Yo Mama so old...
She left her purse on Noah's Ark.
Jurassic Park brought back the memories...
When she ran the 100 meter dash, they timed yo mama with a sundial.
She still owes Moses a dollar.
When she was at school... there was No history class!
She uses her hot flushes to heat her cup of Tea
She's got the first autographed Koran.
She co-wrote the 4th Commandment.
When I asked for Her ID yo mama handed me a rock
She even made Yoda jealous.
She recalls When the Grand Canyon was a ditch.
The fire department are on standby when you light her birthday cake
When She gave birth, You came out with Dentures.
She sat in front of Jesus in 1st grade
Her first job was as Cain and Abel's baby-sitter.
Her birthday expired.
When Moses parted the Red Sea, he found yo mama fishing on the other side!
She got the first copy of the Ten Commandments.
Her social security number is 000-000-001
She's got more...

This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.)... Enjoy!* In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the
world, so he took the Sabbath off.* Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called
Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.* Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.* The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with
the unsympathetic Genitals.* Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel
like Delilah.* Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread
which is bread without any ingredients.* The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses
went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.* The seventh commandment is more...