Jesus Jokes / Recent Jokes

I recently bought one of those bracelets that has the words "What would Jesus do?" engraved on it. So now, any time I get into a difficult situation, I can look at my bracelet and remember to ask myself, "What would Jesus do?"
The next day, I was in a movie theater and some jerk's cell phone goes off. He starts talking really loud on it and at some point I couldn't take it anymore so I yelled at him to shut up. When he turned around and told me to shove it, I jumped out of my chair and was ready to cave his head in. But then my bracelet caught my attention and I remembered, "What would Jesus do in this situation?"
So I lit him on fire and threw him in hell.

Observers of Obama speeches say he invokes Jesus more than Bush did. Unlike Bush, Obama is aware he's not talking about his gardner.

On the third day, Jesus rose, shoved open the door of his tomb, and
walked again on earth.
As he was leaving, a passer-by pointed at the door Jesus had left
open.
"What's the matter with you?" he said. "Born in a barn?"
- Robert

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!"

You know what disgusts me? There's Christmas porn. And it's always nasty. It's always like, "Anal Santa: He's Coming Down Your Chimney." And they're all like that. Santa's Ho, Ho, Hos, Santa's Sleigh Sluts. Santa, Santa, Santa. It's so frustrating, because don't they know Christmas is about Jesus? Although, people would be pissed if there were a porn about Jesus. I don't see why, everyone knows he got nailed.

A preacher phoned the city's newspaper. "Thank you very much," he said, "for the error you made when you announced my sermon topic for last Sunday. The topic I sent you was 'What Jesus Saw in A Publican.' You printed it as 'What Jesus Saw in a Republican' I had the biggest crowd of the year!"

Jesus was walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. It was obvious that the crowd was preparing to stone her, so Jesus made His now-famous statement, "Let the person who has no sin cast the first stone." The crowd was shamed and one by one began to turn away. All of a sudden, a lovely little woman made her way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she tossed a pebble towards the woman. Jesus looks over and says, "I really hate it when you do that, Mom."