Jim Jokes / Recent Jokes

Annoying flute music in background: Good day, Jim. Your contact, Linda, is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim.

Fred and Jim are having a quiet beer one night when Fred announces that he’s going to divorce his wife. ”Good grief, ” says Jim, “you and Sue are the happiest couple I know! Why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely woman after all these years of obvious bliss? ”
"Well, ” replies Fred, “truth be known, I’m just bored with screwing the same hole night after night after night. I guess I’m hankering’ for a bit of variety. ”Jim replied, “Well, if you want variety, why don’t you just, you know, turn her over every now and again? ”Fred says, “What? And have a house full of kids? ”

1> "Hey, guys, how' bout we finish this conversation over a beer at the topless bar?"

2> "Jim Beam me up, Scotty."

3> "Dammit, Jim -- I'm a has-been actor, not an autograph-signer!"

4> "To Wong Fu, thanks for everything, Patrick Stewart."

5> "If you think the brie's good, you should try the salmon pate."

6> "Oooh, Girlfriend -- Just look at all these hunks! Set your phaser for' Love!'"

7> "You're nuts. Swimming is by far the hardest part of any Iron Man Triatholan."

8> "Look! It's Eddie Murphy!"

9> "I got laid last night!"

10> "Kirk, Picard... what's the difference, they're both losers. I'll take Will Robinson and Dr. Smith any day."

11> "I dunno, sometimes I wonder if the show was really deserving of all this attention."

12> "It's pointless to compare more...

Jim sees his neighbor out back building a bunker, loading in 75 gallons of bottled water, hauling in a gas generator and so on. "So, uh, I guess you believe Y2K is a biggie huh?" "Naw", says the neighbor. "Ahs jes stockin the bunker now, cuz if I did it any other time, peopled think ahs nuts."

DURING a readiness exercise, my friend Jim and I, Air Force security policemen, were guarding entry to a bunker-like structure where aircrafts were kept. When a pilot about to do a preflight check approached without his identification in plain view, Jim asked him for it."I don't see why I have to show you my ID," the pilot snapped. "After all, it is my plane.""Sir, with all due respect, it may be your plane," replied Jim, "but it's sitting in my garage!"

A wildlife biologist crew leader has several crews, each consisting of two biologists. The crews camped and worked in the woods and he made his rounds to visit each pair every few days. One particular crew, Sarah and Jim, were not getting nearly as much work accomplished as the others, so he suspected that they might be up to some funny business. The following day, he paid them a visit. "Is anything funny going on here"? he asked. "What do you mean by that?" the pair asked back. "I mean, you're not getting much fieldwork done. Are you two, you know, maybe doing something you're not supposed to do?" "Absolutely not!" the Jim replied. " We are strictly co-workers" "Oh yes," the Sarah replied, " We hike all day, record our data, return back, and fall asleep exhausted. "That's right!" Jim replied, "and me in my tent, and she in hers!" The crew supervisor spent the remainder of the day in th e field with more...

One bright Sunday morning, Jim was addressing his ball and going through all of his usual pre shot routines when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker
" Would the golfer on the Ladies tee please play from the men's tee!"
Ignoring this call, Jim continued with his shot routine.
The call was repeated, "Would the golfer on the Ladies tee please play from the men's tee!!"