Jim Jokes / Recent Jokes

Jim sees his neighbor out back building a bunker, loading in 75 gallons of bottled water, hauling in a gas generator and so on. "So, uh, I guess you believe Y2K is a biggie huh?" "Naw", says the neighbor. "Ah's jes' stockin' the bunker now,' cuz if I did it any other time, people'd think ah's nuts."

The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down to two final applicants -- one of which would get the job.
The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York. A nice young man, but a bit timid.
Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!" Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself. "He looks like he can take care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him.
He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know.
Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself -- that's an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not
fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education."
Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where did you get your financial education?"
"Oh," more...

Jim was strolling down the street in Chicago where he came across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and out popped a genie. The genie offered to grant him one wish, to which the guy replied, "I've always wanted to be lucky." The genie granted his wish.

So off the guy strolled, wondering how this would change his life, when he saw ten dollars on the sidewalk. Not a bad start, he thought. As he picked it up, he noticed a betting shop across the road. He strolled over, looked through the racing lists, and saw a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at the Meadowlands.

He put the 10 dollars on the horse to win, and as luck would have it, the horse bolted in. Feeling on a bit of a roll, he headed to the local illegal casino, went up to the roulette table and put the entire $1010 on "Lucky seven!" Round and round the wheel spun. .. and. .. Lucky Seven. Now his head was spinning. It was all too much to take in. He decided to more...

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.

'Yes,' came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist,' I've bought her a belt and a bag.'

'That was very kind of you,' Jim added,' I hope she appreciated the thought.'

Tony smiled as he replied,' So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.'

One day Steve and his wife, Sorrell were out playing golf. Everything was going fairly well for Steve until the 7th hole. He sliced his tee shot a mile to the right so he and his wife had to go looking for the ball. Eventually they came across a shed with the door slightly ajar, and surprisingly enough the golf ball was slap bang in the centre of the floor. And so, not wanting to drop a shot, Steve decided to play on instead of taking a penalty by dropping the ball. Sorrell, noticing that if Steve played a good shot he could get his ball on the green, offered to hold the door open while her husband played the shot. After a lengthy period of sizing up his shot, Steve hit the ball, but struck his wife in the temple with it. She slumped down dead, instantly. Another 5 years later, Steve found himself on the same golf course, on the same hole, this time with his friend, Jim. So, coincidently, Steve's tee shot took the exact same path as it did 5 years ago, and the ball found itself, more...

There was a businessman, and he was not feeling well, so he went to see the doctor about it. The doctor says to him, "Well, it must be your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?" The man replies, "Well, actually, I only eat peas, I hate all other green foods." The doctor was quite shocked at this and says, "Well man, that`s your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system, you`ll have to give them up!!" The guy says, "But how long for, I mean I really like peas!" The doctor replies, "Forever, I`m afraid." The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition improves, so he realizes that he will never eat a pea again. Anyway, one night, years later, he`s at a convention for his employer and getting quite sloshed and one of the reps says, "Well, ashully, I`d love a cigarette, coz I avint ad a smoke in four years, I gave it up." Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, more...