Jim Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two brothers wake up Christmas morning. They rush to see what santa brought them. Tim opens his a nd he got a shiny red fire truck. Jim opens his.
"Darn. All i got is a smelly old shoe" he said. "haha" laughed Tim.
"Santa hates you." he then said.
"Ya well at least i dont have cancer!!" answered Jim.

Once upon a time, there was a king who had a daughter of marriageable age. As he was very fond of his daughter and he didn't want her to leave him, he made an impossible offer to his kingdom's men. He announced that whoever has two pricks would be eligible to marry his daughter. The invitation spread far and wide. Of course there were no one who came forth, and the king was secretly pleased. In another part of the kingdom, there were 2 woodcutter brothers, Jack & Jim. One day, they chanced upon a very big tree and decided to chop it down for it would fetch them a decent amount of money if sold as firewood. As they were about to chop it down with their sharp axes, a voice cried out, "STOP! Please don't hurt me! " The brothers were scared shitless when suddenly an apparition appeared from out of the tree. He told them that he was the genie of the tree and if they would to spare him, he would grant them a wish each. Remembering the king's offer of his daughter as bride, the more...

A pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise: Two months ago my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his Scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know If they could help him."
She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

The men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably.

She continued, "Now Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say that, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the more...

One day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Jim calls out to his golfing partner in excitement, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here." Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?" Jim shouts back in a nervous voice, "Throw me my 7-iron... You can't get out of here with an 8-iron!"

Peter and Jim were partners in a profitable painting-contracting business. Unfortunately, they weren't entirely honest, because they mixed their paint with water. One day Jim's conscience started to bother him as they painted a poor widow's house. The next day Jim told Peter he just couldn't be dishonest anymore." Don't quit now," Peter begged. "A few more jobs and we can retire." Jim refused to change his mind." Peter," he said. "I just can't do it. Last night an angel stood by my bed and said -' Repaint, repaint... you thinner.'"

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud says, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y''know, I''ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings... It''s Jim.

Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don''t have a hangover?" Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there''s just one thing..." "What''s more...

With the World Cup 2007 coming up shortly, you will find more cricket related features on my site.
Yorkshire 232 all out, Hutton ill - I'm sorry, Hutton 111. - John Snagge, BBC News
He's usually a good puller - but he couldn't get it up that time. - Richie Benaud, Channel 9
In the back of Hughes' mind must be the thought that he will dance down the piss and mitch one. - Tony Greig, Channel 9
It was close for Zaheer, Lawson threw his hands in the air and Marsh threw his head in the air.- Jack Potter, 3UZ
Chappell just stood on his feet and smashed it to the boundary. - Jim Maxwell, ABC Radio
I think we are all slightly down in the dumps after another loss. We may be in the wrong sign... Venus may be in the wrong juxtaposition with somewhere else. - Ted Dexter, explaining away England's seventh successive Test loss, to Australia at Lord's, 1993
Playing against a team with Ian Chappell as a captain turns cricket match into gang warfare. - Mike Brearley, more...