Jobs Jokes / Recent Jokes

Sen. John Ensign helped his mistress's husband get two jobs during the time the Republican senator acknowledges carrying on an extramarital affair. One job was in Iraq and the other in Afghanistan.

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive", she said.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?"
"$50.00? For a Frog??" asked the woman.
The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs." Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so, she thought this was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog.
She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the husband was a bit skeptical, but said for sure he'd try it out that night.
The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow more...

A "Husband Shopping Center" was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men to be her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors.
The only rule was that once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place.
So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.
First floor, the door had a sign saying: "These men have jobs and love kids."
The women read the sign and say: "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up they go. Second floor says: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."
"Hmmm," say the girls, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good more...

A husband shopping center (Husband Mart) has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of six floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: ‘Floor 1 - These men have jobs.'The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.The second floor sign reads: ‘Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.'
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.The third floor r sign reads: ‘Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good more...

a man was sitting on the chair when his wife said to him. 'love'
'yes dear'
'do me a favour and go and fix the tap in the bathroom, its dripping all the time'
the husband replies,'eh eh, take a good look at me now, have a good look at me babe, do i look like a fucking plumber'
wife replies,'do me a favour and go and fix the shelf in the bedroom'
the husband replies,'eh eh, take a good look at me now, have a good look at me babe, do i look like a fucking carpenter'
wife replies,'do me a favour and go and do the garden up'
the husband replies,'eh eh, take a good look at me now, have a good look at me babe, do i look like a fucking gardener'
so the husband went down the pub and forces a couple of pints down.when he came back all the jobs had been done.
the husband says'you look pleased with youself'
the wife replies'yeh, john from next door has fixed all the jobs'
'so how much do i owe him'
'nothing, i asked him if he wanted me to bake him more...

Build a Road the Army WayOne of my first jobs as a new Army lieutenant in Vietnam was to build a road across a rice paddy. Progress was slow because the paddy devoured most of the dirt we laid down. My superior officer, a major, appeared one day, determined to speed things up.His solution was to scrape the crust off the top of the paddy and with it, construct the road. He quelled my protestations with a stern,? Lieutenant, *I`m* in charge.?He ordered a bulldozer into the paddy, but the massive monster sank in the muck. Undaunted, the major ordered another dozer to help the first one out. It, too, was soon stuck. After a long silence, the major got into his jeep. His departing words were,?Lieutenant, you`re in charge.?

Braxton and Hollis had jobs at a California cotton mill. One morning the foreman came along and found Braxton reading a letter to his coworker. "Hey," cried the foreman, "what kind a horseplay you two guys up to?" "Hollis got a letter from his girlfriend," explained Braxton, "but he can't read; so Ah'm readin' the letter for him." "How come you got the cotton in your ears?" "Hollis don't want me to hear what his girlfriend writ to him!"