Johnson Jokes / Recent Jokes

15> Willie' White Shoes After Labor Day' Lumpkin

14> Charlie' Sittin' in First Class & Cheerful as Hell' Pickett

13> Al' Lightnin'' Gore

12> The Suspiciously Clean-Shaven, Well-Coiffed Artist in the Dark Glasses Who Won't Admit That He Was Formerly Known As John Tesh And is Now Playing Barrelhouse Boogie-Woogie To Earn A Buck

11> John Lee Crackwhore

10> Timmy' Up With People' Perkyman

9>' Portly Dan' Aykroyd & Bruce' Shinehead' Willis

8> Matt' Sleeping with Cameron Diaz' Dillon

7> Winston P.' Sunshine Man' Walthrop III, King of the Cape Cod Blues

6> Tiny Red Johnson

5> Screamin' Josh Rabinowitz

4> Mack' Crusty Underthings' Morton

3> Stanley' Stank Ass' Wilson

2> Bawlin' Wimp

1> Luther' Kill Me, Just Kill Me' Johnson

A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients. He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?" Mr. Johnson replies, "I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door." The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers. The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Johnson, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on..."Mrs. Johnson yells, "Steven! Daddy's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A. M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A. M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself." And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones." Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you." Johnson: "But I want you to." Wife: "But why?" Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"

Why are there so many Johnson in he phone book? They all have phones.

Old farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife,"Maude, when I'm dead and gone... I want you to marry farmer Jones." "Oh no, I couldn't marry anyone after you!" Maude replies." But I want you to, Maude." "But why?" Maude asks." Because that no good son of a bitch once cheated me in a horse trade!"

Boss: Johnson, we giving you a promotion but you have to move to Montreal.
Johnson: Montreal! "Nothing comes from there except hookers and hockey players!"
Boss: Listen pal, my wife comes from there!
Johnson, without missing a beat replies, "No kidding! What position does she play?"